Thursday, January 19, 2006
An uneasy feeling swept over me since awakening. I was reminded at breakfast that not everyone is accepting of the freedom that Roadie and I have become accustomed and not everyone is welcoming of Roadie’s presence. We packed and made ready to leave Hope, AR. As I began to drive I still felt that uneasy feeling and asked for a place to meditate before we continued. I was shown a road, drove down it and came upon a small Methodist Church. It was a beautiful small building with stain glass. I went in and asked if they would mind if I used their sanctuary for meditational prayer. The receptionist was taken back my request at first. She commented that it was always locked during the week, and I was saddened at the thought that it wasn’t open for the people. She unlocked it for me and allowed me to stay there. I kneeled down in the center isle at the front, ahead of the pews. I began to meditate. As I meditated I heard a voice that said look up. I looked up and saw a beautiful stained glass window with a representation of Jesus Christ knocking at a simple door. The words under it were, “will you open unto Him?” I felt my spirit scream, “yes, yes, yes!” I began to cry as I realized more and more of what was happening, what was to come, and what promises were made in the past. Broken promises now that will have to be honored. I gave myself to God for the purpose of preaching and teaching. I broke that promise because I felt that as a gay man (only one aspect of my total being) that I was no longer welcome to be true to myself within the confines of the Southern Baptist Convention of Churches. I stopped preaching then and had my name removed from their registry.
I stayed in that place for an hour meditating, crying, and praying. I hadn’t realized just why Gabriel was my guardian Angel, but I know now. Gabriel is God’s messenger, the same Angel who will trumpet Christ’s triumphal return. I am God’s messenger and I can no longer withhold my voice for His use as I have done for so many years. My voice is not my own, it is His, for the purpose of leading others to Him, for uplifting their spirits, for encouraging their souls, for guiding them to find their way through the darkness of life, and for the purpose of trumpeting His return. I’m crying now as I type this, because honestly, I’m scared of this. This is why I’ve run for all these years. I didn’t want what I knew was a clear calling to become a reality. I was afraid of loosing myself and not being able to do the things I wanted, however, I’m finding that the life I’m leading now is so much more powerful, filled with greater love, powered by such hope I haven’t felt in years, and that I’m not loosing anything – I’m gaining far greater. I do not know how all of this will present itself, but that’s what this journey is all about – to discover my true self, to learn my way through the darkness, and to find the path I’m to follow. Before I left I asked if they had a bible I could have to take with me on my travels and she graciously gave me one. I had left mine in the apartment.
I traveled in silence for some time thinking on the experience. I cried, I laughed, and I found peace through it all. The uneasy feeling left and there was joy. Yes, I’m still a bit scared of what may be, but I’m trusting and believing that what shall be will be worth anything that may come, that I may go through, and the responsibilities earned by listening to a calling for the greater good of all. I suppose it’s the responsibility aspect that I’ve feared for so long. I’ve always believed that a teacher (preacher) was held to higher standards because they taught and had to be accountable for the message they taught, aware of knowing the truth, and presenting it. Roadie is teaching me responsibility and guardianship. God is teaching me stewardship, not ownership, of things. I’m learning, I’m growing, I’m becoming, and I am. I am with a very quiet sense of being. I believe I understand why God said that He was the Great I Am. He is, He is everything, He is all that was before, all that is present, and all that will come. He is the Great I Am.
Thought for today: Will you open unto Him? What do you believe? What purpose has been presented to you and are you willing to open yourself to it so that others may be inspired, encouraged, and strengthened?
