Saturday, September 16, 2006
“I know all there is to know about the crying game. I’ve had my share of the crying game. First there are kisses, then there are sighs, then before you know where you are, you’re saying good-bye. I don’t want no more of the crying game. One day soon I’m going to tell the moon about the crying game. And if she knows maybe she’ll explain why there are partings, why there are tears, and then what to do to stop feeling blue when love disappears. Don’t want no more of the crying game. Don’t want no more of the crying game.”
The above tune is from Boy George and was the theme song for the movie The Crying Game. I’ve often watched the movie and always cry and I greatly enjoy the song. The melody can take your mind far above your cares. Cares I have a lot of these days so I’m in a fix about what to do. I don’t like this life, never have. I often look up into the sky and ask when I get to leave this place. So it’s no surprise to anyone who knows me that I have often thought about suicide. Although suicide might solve the living thing, it’s a messy thing and leaves a lot of questions. For the last few days that is all I have thought about, but then today I smoked a joint, got drunk, went swimming, and slept. I know the government says it’s a crime to smoke something natural such as marijuana, but if it’s natural why is it wrong? It does have a way of helping one to gain some rest from the myriad of thoughts that can sometimes overwhelm.
I’ve been crying for days as I search for answers. Perhaps I over reacted, perhaps I jumped ship, perhaps I’ve done some things that no one will ever understand. Yes, I have done all of these things and more.
I’m alone now. I have no family and the one friend I have is becoming someone I no longer know. There are times in our lives when we have to ask ourselves about our relationships, such questions as is it beneficial for me, is it healthy, is it encouraging, is it real? I’ve been asking these questions and have come to some conclusions. I am alone. Perhaps this is the way I’ve created it, so I ask myself what have I done? I’m asking who I am, where I belong, and what is my purpose in this life? Is there something that I’m supposed to learn or to do? Or is it that I have to learn to simply enjoy being. Maybe that’s the hard one, learning to simply enjoy being.
We all identify ourselves by our jobs, our families, our friends, but seldom just who we are. Am I Lynn Boney or am I Sebastian St.Troy? I do not know the answer at the moment. All I know is that it’s time to find out. I am alone and I’ve made the decision to not say good-bye to my friend, instead to just let him go his way and live the life he’s creating. A life I cannot share. Something is pulling me, but I do not know where. I keep wanting to get in the truck and just drive. I look at the map and see many places, all frightening. Why?
I gave up Roadie to a man I know will provide him a good home with lots of love, but it wasn’t easy on me. I feel like I have given away the only thing that ever loved me, the one thing that helped to me know what love was. I suppose it was my love for him that allowed me to let him go because I wanted what was best for him. He was excited when he left so I know he’ll be OK. Now I’m leaving everyone else behind to find something, maybe even find myself.
I’ve had enough of the crying game. I’m cried out. I have no idea of how much time I have left here because of health issues, sometimes I wish it would just hurry up and do me in, but then I keep trying to prevent it from doing so. I suppose there’s a part of me that wants to live, but the other part looks at this life and says, “hell no, end it, stop the madness, put out the flame!” So here I sit alone in the darkness with the sounds of the leaves, the crickets, and the hum of the computer pondering the questions.
Where will I go? Who will I become? What is it that I have to learn? Why is it that I find this living thing to be so difficult?
“Don’t want no more of the crying game.” So if that is the case, then there shall be no more tears. Perhaps I’ve given up on humanity, perhaps I’ve given up on myself, perhaps I’ve grown weary of the crying game? Perhaps, I think so.
The other evening I listened to two people talk badly about other people just because they didn’t have the perfect bodies, didn’t have money, didn’t have the same outlook as they did. As I listened to them talk all I could think of was is this how they talk about me when I’m not around? I didn’t want to know the answer, but the answer was clear. Thus, I departed with the assurance in my heart that I wouldn’t see them again, even if it meant that I let my friend go. I don’t want to be like that and I don’t want to be around others that are. I believe that there is goodness in everyone, even if it doesn’t show because of the mental prisons they are living in. So if I do believe this, why do I keep letting people go because I get hurt? I’ve been hurt a lot, I suppose because I’ve opened myself to allow other people close enough to hurt me.
Now the question is should I allow others close again? Should I do things for others even when there is no appreciation shown or thankfulness given? Jesus taught that we should, to just keep giving and to forgive, so why is it so hard to do that? I suppose it is love that gives and forgives, but I do not know this type of love. Love was always something used to manipulate and control, something bought by gifts, and something not taught through my family of old. So who is out there that can teach me about the kind of love that keeps giving and forgiving? I don’t see it in other people, so I suppose they are not the ones. I read it in the Bible and other books, but if it’s only talked about is it real?
Thought for now: “Don’t want no more of the crying game.” This is a good-bye. A good-bye to a life, to friends, to family, and to what was before. “I want to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony, I want to hold it in my arms and keep it company. That’s the song I sing, let the world sing today.” Yes, even though I’m saying good-bye, I still want to try to reach someone, maybe it’s me that I’m to reach and teach myself what love is so I’m the one who is the example. So what is love and is it something I can learn?
