Stay Young With Me

My father recently sent me an email containing the following statements. I liked it so I thought I would share it.

Stay Young With Me

We all need to read this one over and over until it becomes part of who we are!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Try everything twice. On Madams tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches)

3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. I love you, my special friend.

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.

But do share this with someone.

Lost time can never be found.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

The '5 year old' is Alone and Afraid.

Dreams are things that help us understand our lives, what we are thinking, and help us know where to go. The other night I dreamed of being in a new truck, one of those little ones, but I didn’t own it. The owner was there with me and I pulled the truck up to load it up with things sitting on the side of the road. As I put on the brakes to hold the truck, even the emergency break, I noticed that the truck was rolling backwards, the breaks not holding. In a panic I screamed that I couldn’t stop it, but the owner just calmly smiled and said, ‘that’s OK, just go with it.’ The truck kept going backwards and along the way people, strangers, began to help by calling out to others on the street that I didn’t have breaks. Then as I closed in on the bottom of the hill there was a man who told me to hold on and turn the truck so it would go in circles. I did as he said and the truck began to slow in a cumbersome circle. I woke up there, but the thoughts of the dream made me think of my current situation.

I volunteered myself to help a friend, who needed someone to stay in a house he owns. Coming back to Austin, which was required to fulfill the offer to help, now has my mind in a twirl. I’m alone out here, something that I have become accustomed to of late, but here it’s different. It’s not like being alone in Central America where I can easily travel around, but here it’s different. The universe saw fit to provide a $100 bill when cleaning the house, which was used to purchase a bicycle. Things here are so far away that just getting food is hard, even with the bike.

Sleep hasn’t been easy here for fear of who else might have a key to access the home because it’s been kept unlocked for so long, and then there is the case of the mysterious foot prints in the mud by the window that didn’t exist the day before. I slept in the closet for several nights, as it was the only place that felt secure. Now I’m sleeping upstairs in one of the bedrooms on the floor. I have nothing here other than some clothes and my laptop. Being here is difficult for me as I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing. I cannot keep living here as it is without furniture, towels, or anything. I have a desire to rent some furniture, but then why, is it helping anything. Yes, it would give me a better security and comfort in a hard situation.

Being alone does allow much time to think, but I suppose I don’t want to think so I am always trying to find something to do. Moving rocks, pulling grass, cleaning the pool, and more such things keep me occupied so I don’t have to think. Perhaps that is why I so enjoy my adventure of travel in Central America – I didn’t have to think, just be and do each day as I felt. But then again, I’m here in Austin and facing all of the pain I have caused to others before my departure. I’ve never felt such alones as I do now. I feel abandoned, scared, unsure, and even fearful. I have no idea of what I’m supposed to be doing or why I am here. Maybe it’s for the best to be here, alone, without, and thoughtless.

Causing pain in others isn’t something I intend to do, but seem to do it constantly. Perhaps that is the reason I withdraw so much from others, the fear of hurting them causes such mental turmoil and anguish that I cannot bear it. I’m faced with the knowledge of such pains caused to others, but not sure of what to do to correct it. Who knows what will happen over the next few months, but this I do know, I’m here alone, very stressed, and feeling the urge to ‘run’, or as the person first mentioned said, ‘flee and leave it all behind.’ Yes, I flee, I run, I don’t want any connections, but deep within there is that child that cries out for help, for someone to grab me up and let me know I’m safe, I’m loved, and I have value.

Knowing Yourself

As the violin plays some wonderful music, I sit in the Puerto Vallarta airport and listen, pondering some thoughts that have begun to creep into my mind, as a scorpion might creep into a small crevice to escape the heat. Even my thoughts have a life of their own, thus in order to escape from them I have to write them out, letting them find their own place in this world. Over the last many months of traveling, I have changed. I have grown into a person I like. No longer needed are the drugs, the alcohol, the meaningless sex, or the desire cease this life. It seems that traveling and learning how other people lived, learning that I could do things I didn’t think I could do have helped me come into my own. Even my words have changed, as noticed when communicating with my best friend. I’m comfortable just being now and have no desire to be something other than I am.

I’ve heard it said many times that in order to love yourself that you have to really know yourself. How does one get to know oneself when one cannot face the very self that exists? To accept the best and worst that one might be capable of doing or being is very important. I know who I am. I know that I am capable of great wrongs, even to the point of stealing, lying, and much worse; however, I’m also capable of great love, to the point that I can sacrifice my own desires to allow my love to show through for another person without loosing myself. I know I’m not educated as some, but more than others. I know I’m talented beyond most in ways that have been proven in my life. I can take something from nothing and turn it into something wonderful. I can make something out of nothing, such as all four of the businesses I have created. I can command respect and appreciation, but I can also create great disgust and admonition from others. I know my psychological triggers that cause my worst reactions to things and words. I know I possess great anger, but also great peace.

This is who I am, the person I have grown to accept and love. I’m the man with two names (Sebastian St.Troy and Jimmy Lynn Boney), with two families (the chosen one and the one I was born to), and the man who lives comfortable on a small government dividend each month. I no longer seek to run away from my past, rather now embracing it. As my past has made me who I am, it’s part of my being, my existence. I am my mother’s son, very much like her in many aspects, being, I suppose, the best part of my mother. I am my father’s son, even though not recognized as such for many years. I am the brother to my sister and brother. I am the friend to such as might be my friends.

As I contemplate where these acknowledgements might lead, I’m caught in a great web, the great web of life that connects everyone and everything. I am part of nothing, but connected to everything. I am nothing, but everything. Coming into my own peace of knowing who I am lends itself to a growth which is seen by others, as acknowledged by a graceful women last night at Garbo’s, where my best friend and I enjoyed cocktails and conversation. She told my best friend that, “he was likeable from the very first moment she saw me.” Perhaps it is the new way I carry myself, the new way of being secure in myself, or is it that because now I respect myself, others are respecting.

As my best friend says, “you never know a stranger..” This might be, however, those strangers are never met because something my mother taught me when I was very young. As I was boarding a plane, alone and without friends, she said, “they are only strangers if you allow them to be.” Thus, I’m the one, as everyone knows, who will easily and gracefully begin a conversation with someone. There are many things my mother taught me that I wish she could see how they have changed my life and how those lessons have brought me into the man that I am. Perhaps I’ve caused too much pain in that great ladies heart to allow her to forgive and begin a new conversation, but I still hope.

Yes, I’ve changed. I’ve grown. Now the future lies ahead of me in a way I never dreamed possible. It’s a future of hope, something long lost, but now regained. A calming assurance of knowing who I am has taken over where only self-doubt dwelt. Now the future is mine for the making, the molding, as I desire. Where will it all lead? Who knows but now I go gracefully, calmly, and securely into it to find out.

Of Being Alone

Over the last few days, even though I've spent time with wonderful people, I've felt very alone. Is it that people who I have developed friendships over the years have gone or is it that I have greatly offended them. I figure I've offended a lot of people over the years, but have tried hard not to offend those who meant something to me lately. Perhaps I haven't changed that much, even though I feel that I have. I'm alone, even in a sea of people, always locked inside of my head, my thoughts, and wondering why I'm alone. I suppose I've always been alone. Such are the thoughts of my mind, but in reality I suppose even though I know I have great friends, that I'm alone.

What type of legacy shall I leave, or is it even important to leave a legacy? I suppose not, for such as I, that are born alone, live alone, and shall die alone shall never have a legacy, for we shall be as quickly forgotten as when we were born into this world. Maybe being alone, misunderstood, and such isn't so bad. But for now, I'm alone again, as usual, and trying to determine what I've done to deserve such as the way I've been treated of late.

Oh well, it's not that important, I suppose. If people cannot find a way to communicate that I have offended them or hurt them, then what am I to do. If one doesn't know then how can one make ammends, but then again, am I wrong in my thoughts and opinions?

Poisoned Ties, But Friendship Grows

Poison
by Melissa Roberts

Words that need to be spoken should not accumulate inside.
The hurt, pain or jealousy a person feels can not hide.

Sorrow and anger can be and will be suppressed.
But this only leads to a person feeling depressed.

Anger is a deadly toxin in which the body it flows.
When it takes over limb by limb, everyone knows.

The body - The mind controls and manipulates.
As the poison enters the veins and circulates.

When the poison reaches the heart it's too late.
Disastrous emotions take over such as revenge and hate.

The antidote to cure these emotions, is not so hard to find.
We must search to learn to control our spirited bodies and minds.

Not but a single day past, a day spent alone and questioning the very reasons for the words spoken and actions taken the night previous, and now the words begin to flow of what end I'm uncertain, but nevertheless they flow. Sometimes friends and family can unknowingly, or is it knowingly because only they really know where to thrust the dagger for it's greatest affect, say things that cause such pain, hurt, and humiliation. Having endured such pains for many years and seldom speaking of them, over the years I have begun to change the feelings and respects of my heart regarding the persons from which such pains were derived.

There are times, such as I have learned, that it doesn't profit to say anything in response, however, with such times depression and questions arrive. Can I really respect the person that caused such a hurt that only time, oh mighty time if such that you could heal, can heal. Is it time or the ability to forget? Forget or forgive, it's all within the realm of friendship and love. For what friend hasn't done or said things in moments of anger, drunken states, or even casual jokes that could cause pain in the other friend.

Time has limited the number of friends I can call 'friend', but was it due to my crazy Bi-Polar life or was it something else. Perhaps my weakened heart has learned to just dismiss anyone who causes such pain in order to protect it from further abuse. Yes, this could be the case, however, knowing that there are many people lost over the years as friends only because they couldn't understand or just accept what I was going through also, mostly because my mental states through the various Bi-Polar stages doesn't have a way of understanding, especially when I cannot understand it myself.

It has taken years to let go of the past, at least as much as I can recall now, but still there lingers those little voices that insist for my person, my heart, to hold back and bar the door for emotions, friendships, and such for fear of being hurt again, even by those same people. Oh how little they really know of the pains suffered at their hands, if only they could see what was really inside my heart and how greatly it has suffered. Through reasons or beliefs of their own they speak, but shouldn't words be spoken in love, but even then, at least from my life, love is relative only to another's perspective, beliefs and conditioning.

Knowing that I myself have caused such as the same hurt in others have caused leads me to question just how we all survive friends and family over the years and still maintain friendships and family ties. As I've watched my family explode over the years, because of such now wearisome words, actions and emotions released, I wonder how such as it seemed a close family could ever be thrown so far from each other. I suppose time has allowed each to grow, to come to new understandings, and to improve their acceptance of others which now allows friendships to flourish and families to grow together.

Yes, the daggers have all been placed with deadly accuracy, however, the wounds will heal, if not healed, and hopefully only love and a new respect will surface. Surface not only because of the healed wounds, but because through words we can learn to share such pains with others and allow them to see such as it was from our perspective. Which once discovered hopefully leads to a new understanding of each other.

Yes, my best friend hurt me greatly the other night, which caused an unpleasant flight, but only through the hours, the day spent alone, could I find my way back to respect and love him again. Love, whatever it is or means, is just learning to accept people for who they are, willing to allow them to be who they are, and hopefully having them respect the same for you.

Thus, with time, and hopefully with grace, friendships will grow and the family ties will strengthen as we each learn to speak, not in anger, but in a true concern for the each other. Thus today is the day to speak of the hurt, not tomorrow or the next, with tenderness and concern. For there is a hope that those who have long past given up hope, given up love, and given up any idea of a tie might one day come around to realizing what has been lost and seek to restore such. Thus my blessings continue to my family and friends.

Promise Never To Untie
by Hope

The tender words are spoken
Each body and soul bared
Told secrets over endless days
Often doing more than dared

New world beyond my door
With intrigued and intensity
Now we have shared our hearts
A bond now made it permanently

Facing our days made easier
Despite any type of weather
Each other's heart felt deeply
Both happy we stuck together

It took us little time and effort
The bonding as strong as glue
I now promise never to untie
The strings I have tied with you

The understanding of each other
Breaths to take, we breathe the air
As the relationship interchanges
Knowing our loving hearts are there

Now we are never left on the outside
Lovingly enter each others domain
Smiling. laughing and forever teasing
But forever friends we then became.

Puerto Vallarta, Mexico

Obtaining a nice tan hasn't been on my list of intentions, however, it's difficult not to obtain one when you spend every afternoon on the beach. Having come to visit my best friend, Jorge, and his partner, Rick, has been good. Puerto Vallarta is a beautiful city, although it seems to be over ran with tourists. The white sand beaches are ever full of handsome men in skimpy swim suits, which only leads to enjoyment of sitting on the beach every afternoon. But while here I've been thinking about my return to Austin.

While I was in Austin I received some wonderful gifts from a friend and client, Rebecca. Such gifts have allowed me to enjoy my stay here in Puerto Vallarta. The best gift was not the financial ones, but rather the friendship that was shown upon my return and the time spent together. I greatly enjoyed our walk around Town Lake, which was our custom in days before I departed the country. Rebecca had also informed Shannon and several others that I was in town, which allowed me to be able to attend Sam and Carol's birthday party. It was a delight to see everyone after such an absence. I'm beginning to believe in that old adage of 'absence makes the heart grow fonder.'

My stay with my friend Thumper, who opened his apartment to me, was a great chance to get better acquainted with him. He proved to be a great assistant while I attended to two new clients, a great chauffuer, and a good companion.

I'm not sure what life will be like through till May in a large unfurnished house and with no car, but I hope it will give me time to get more progress on my book and to find some time for further relaxation. Even while I've been here in Puerto Vallarta I've been restless, which was the cause of a day long hike down the beach where I discovered some awesome sand scupltures. I was going to get photos but quickly learned that the camera hadn't been placed in the small backpack.

Friends are wonderful people that I couldn't imagen not having in my life, as they provide such great warmth of spirit. I know it's not easy for them to be my friend, but I'm thankful that I have found such friends that work with me through my ongoing struggle with Bi-polar. Thank you to everyone of you for sticking with me through those times when I am blue.

Being Gay should be OK, Shouldn't it?

I received an E-mail from a friend with a link to watch a section of Ellen Degeners' TV show. It was Ellen talking about a recent event of some note, an 8th grader killed a 15 year old boy in California because the boy, Larry King, was gay and had asked the other boy to be his Valentine. Ellen brings up some good issues about the way we talk about people who are gay. She stated that we need to change hate, and we can do it through voting for people who are about change and acceptance. Thus, I encourage anyone reading this to not allow others to talk badly about a person because they are gay, that includes basic jokes. I also encourage you to consider who you are voting for in the next election.

I'm a supporter of Barack Obama because the United States needs major changes. We don't need our troops in Iraq, we don't need to support the elite class and we don't need another reign of the George Bush, Republican nightmare. We do need change. Shouldn't we be more concerned with improving our educational system, our economy, and regaining most of the freedoms that George Bush and the Republicans have taken away?

It's time for CHANGE, it's long over due. What are you doing to change your life, the lives of those around you, and our country? If you're a Christian, then what are you saying, doing, and acting upon that isn't in compliance with the virtues of being "Christ-like? The Bible doesn't say it's OK to hate gay people, it doesn't say it's wrong to be gay, and if you recall, Christ was the one person who always associated with those that the current society deemed unworthy or unclean, he didn't hang out with the preachers of the day or any of the other church types. Thus, think about what it means to truly be a Christian and see how being Christ-like can change the world.



Here are some links taken from Ellen's website but are useful if you want to learn more about various organizations involved with changing how gay people are perceived.

The Trevor Project
The Trevor Project operates the nations only 24/7 crisis & suicide prevention helpline for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth. If you or a friend are feeling lost or alone call The Trevor Helpline. There is hope, there is help. The Trevor Helpline: 866-4-U-TREVOR.

PFLAG -­ Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
PFLAG promotes the health and well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons, their families and friends through: support, to cope with an adverse society; education, to enlighten an ill-informed public; and advocacy, to end discrimination and to secure equal civil rights. Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays provides opportunity for dialogue about sexual orientation and gender identity, and acts to create a society that is healthy and respectful of human diversity.

GLASS - Youth & Family Services
Gay and Lesbian Adolescent Social Services (GLASS) is a private, non-profit 501(c) (3) social service agency dedicated to providing a wide range of social and health care services to children and youth who are in foster care, on probation, or who are homeless. We provide these services in safe, loving, supportive, non-judgmental living environments, while providing full access to all of the educational and vocational opportunities to which these youth are entitled.

GLAAD - Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation
The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) is dedicated to promoting and ensuring fair, accurate and inclusive representation of people and events in the media as a means of eliminating homophobia and discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation.

GLSEN - Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network
GLSEN, or the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, is the leading national education organization focused on ensuring safe schools for all students. Established nationally in 1995, GLSEN envisions a world in which every child learns to respect and accept all people, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity/expression. More than 3,800 Gay-Straight Alliance student clubs nationwide have registered with GLSEN. GLSEN also sponsors the National Day of Silence on April 25, which this year will be held in honor of Lawrence King.

Remembering Lawrence
Vigils in memory of Lawrence King, calling for an end to violence and harassment directed at lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people in schools, are being organized in communities across the country. This website lists future and past vigils across the country and allows organizers to register vigils in their area. The more events we organize, the louder our collective voice. Please help make sure that what happened to Lawrence never happens again.