Prayer and Thanksgiving

As I have been reading The Secret of Shambhala by James Redfield I am uncovering hints to things I have to learn about, things that have been hinted at before in my life. What has drawn me to the stories of Tibet, of Monasteries, to Shambhala, to Buddhism, to being a vegetarian, to the importance of spiritualism in context of sensuality, and to learning to overcome the pains of the past? There have been times that I have started to research these things but only stopped along the way. It seems that at times I’m being led, but then my guides disappear so I stop. Perhaps my guides have been here along my journey to take me as far as they can, then I’m to find my own way along the path. I believe I will attempt to continue along my life’s path of discovery and pray that guides and teachers will be presented along the way. I’ve been more at peace of late, mostly because I’ve began to pray nightly and to meditate more. My mind is learning to be still, my heart is learning to sing again, and my spirit is learning to soar on high.

While I’ve been reviewing my life I asked the question, ‘when was I the happiest?’ The answer came and I was surprised, it was when I was finding plenty of time for prayer, for self reflection, for learning, and when I was being myself, who I really am, not what I have become for society. I remember back to these times and found that I had great success in careers, in friends, and in the number of people who were drawn to me. I didn’t understand then that they were being drawn not to me, but to the positive energy that flowed from me into the universe. As some would say, the light of God shining through me. I seem to loose my path when I stop and place the attention on myself. It’s not about me, it’s about being able to love and believe in the power of what can be.

I’m working to retrain my thoughts so that my conversations are limited, my attentions are more focused on other’s needs and desires, and to stay centered and focused. I remember back to times in Alaska when I walked for miles in the snow to work while I listened to Christian music, when I followed my own path, and remember the number of people that became a part of my life. I’ve often wondered about these people, such as Jim Parker and his wife Chris. About the people that were sent to me as friends even when they had no friends and the changes I saw in them because one person believed in them. My thoughts wander into what can be if I can learn to hold the visions of the people in my life, my own life, and believe in them, myself, and to hold them in prayer, not the type of prayer that asks for God’s help, but rather the kind of prayer that is thankful for God doing something and that puts my feet, hands, and mouth into action to bring something about. I’ve often thought about how to pray and believe that there are two ways people pray – seeking an intervention from the Divine and thankfully acknowledging the Divine’s involvement and resolution of something. I find that the latter is more powerful because it is calling those things that be not as though they already are. It’s like seeing something in your mind and then calling it to become reality.

Learning to hold the vision, to stay in constant prayer, and to believe in the good that can be is becoming more important lately. I sense a change coming and I’m ready. I’ve begun to create a vision of me doing other things in my life, of me having a positive relationship, and of my life being filled with joy and peace. It’s time to learn to hold these visions and to pray through thanksgiving for them becoming real. I understand that many people believe in pray in many ways, also in angels. I’ll write more about the angels as I learn more and about prayers. For now I just wanted to share my thoughts and feelings for others to read how things are changing because I’ve changed my focus, no longer on myself, but on helping others.

The Animals of my Life.

I have talked before about the importance of animals in our lives, the fact that they appear in our lives at various times to help guide us, teach us, and help us along our way. The other night I couldn’t sleep and I kept thinking about the animals. I wanted to research what was going through my mind, so I sat down and reviewed what animals had been in my life at various times. After I had compiled the list I greatly enjoyed reading the totem information for each animal, realizing that yes, those animals were in my life for a reason. My grandparents had bought most of the animals for us, but my other grandparents also ran the chicken farm. I put the list in order of how much I enjoyed the various animals and how much I was drawn to them. (The information was obtained from www.linsdomain.com and www.sayahda.com/cycle.htm )

The animals of my life:

Horse

I grew up with fond memories of the horses in my life, how much I enjoyed being around them, riding them, and the power they had. There was Fannie Marie Lee, the beautiful, faithful, caring buckskin mare who took care of us young kids learning to ride. Then my little stud colt who had to be put down because he couldn't walk after cutting his leg, but I spent all my spare time with him because he was mine, given to me by my grandfather as a gift. I remember how much I loved that little colt. Then there was the paint horse my grandmother bought me. No one liked riding her because she was so wild, but I didn't have that problem with her and we went for rides every day. I have wanted to have another horse for many years now, but perhaps it isn’t time, so I’ll wait for the time when the horse returns.

Pounding hooves, tossing mane,
Take me swiftly on my life's journey.
Loyal friend, carry me to a place of safety.
Lift me over the obstacles of my path.

Horses are symbols of freedom, travel and power. This totem brings new journeys. It will teach you to ride in new directions and discover your own freedom and power. Guide to overcoming obstacles. The Horse is the symbol of Wind. Horse people are usually friendly and adventurous. If a horse has shown up in your life, you must ask yourself: "Am I feeling constricted? Do you need to move on or allow others to move on?" Horse will teach you how to ride into new directions to awaken and discover your own freedom and power.

Bear

The stories of bears in the woods, and in the barn during winter were told often as I grew up in Louisiana. One time I remembered walking home from the pond at night while others were still at the pond working on something. To this day I have no idea if the bear was real or just my imagination, but I remember as I walked through the woods that I saw a large object behind me. I started going faster and so did it. As I looked back, right before I started running, I realized I was looking at a bear. I ran through the woods, cleared a gate without opening it and flew across the yard into the back door, only to knock over the fishing poles and step onto a three-pronged hook. Of course I’m screaming for my grandmother, who runs for the gun, looks outside where the dogs are barking and then returns to check on me and calm me down. The other bear story you can read about in the Blog some where.

Deep in slumber, dreams unending,
Wise old bear, patient, strong,
Send me dreams of transformation.
Grant me intuition along
With introspection of my life,
Inner listening, no more strife.

The bear represents Caution, Healing, and Leadership. The power of the Bear totem is the power of introspection. The answers to all our questions lie within us. Each of us has the capacity to quiet the mind, enter the silence and know. Just as the bear hibernates during the winter, people with a Bear totem will be quieter during the winter months. But they must awaken in the spring and seek whatever opportunities are around them. When you have a Bear totem, you are being guided to a leadership role. You must be fearless in defending your beliefs. The Bear also encourages you to exercise your abilities as a natural healer. Bears are associated with trees which are natural antennas, linking the heavens and the Earth. Bear also has links to the seven color rays of the Universal Light as well as Lunar ties, linking the subconscious and the unconscious mind. It is associated with the Goddess Artemis.

Goat

As a teenager, living with my mother, just after her divorce and now living with her young boyfriend, I was given a small goat that I had to hand raise. She followed me around every where and would cry when I would leave. That little goat became my best friend in a time that I had no strength or security, only questions. We played together all the time until the day the next door neighbor shot her because she crawled under our fence and into his garden. I’ll never forget that experience of watching someone shoot something only because I feel now that he wanted to hurt something as bad as he was feeling hurt inside.

It has excellent climbing abilities due to its highly flexible skeletal abilities. Because the goat is associated with the astrological sign of Capricorn those with this totem would benefit by studying the characteristics of this sign for a deeper understanding of themselves. The goat can also link you to past lives associated with Greece because it shows up prominently in Greek mythology. Studying greek mythology can be helpful for those with this medicine. Goat teaches us how to create a solid foundation on which to stand and helps us develop confidence as we move towards new heights and aspirations. If the mountain goat appears to us we should examine our present foundation and make sure it is serving us appropriately. It can also indicate a need to let go of the "security of our insecurity" and undertake new endeavors pertinent to our growth. Goats hold the energy of abundant nourishment. They show us how to sustain ourselves and remind us that we must develop independence and strength. They take care of our basic needs and teach us how to master survival skills. Because goats are attuned to natures energies they are able to maneuver difficult terrain and go where other animals cannot. For those with this medicine the goat serves as a guide into the uncharted and unexplored aspects of ones true self.

Dog

I miss little Roadie, and the adventures we were having, but I know he is happy in his new home with a family to play with and a yard. I couldn’t keep him confined to the explorer while we searched for our place. I will always remember the love and affection he gave, try to remember the lessons he taught me about love, and remember and laugh at our adventures together. There have been other dogs in my life, mostly as a child.

Goddess-company, we trail the truth.
Understand our night cries!
We guide and protect her children.
Heed our warnings!
We sing to the Moon to show you the way
To ancient Moon magics!
We stand at the gates between the worlds.
Follow us!

The dog symbolizes Faithfulness and Protection. The Dog is a symbol of the small becoming the great. People with this totem have great spirit and a great ability to love. It takes a lot to break a dog spirit. People with a Dog totem are usually helping others or serving humanity in some way. Dog medicine embodies the loving gentleness of best friend and the fierce energy of protector. You will have a deep understanding and compassion of human shortcomings. Study the quality of the breed of dog that has entered your life: is it a hunter, a protector, a companion, playful? Each of these qualities will give you insight into the qualities needed for your own life. A Dog totem is a great spirit booster.

Duck

After I moved in with my grandmother at age 15, she began to assist with my fascination with ducks, by helping me build the pens, buy the ducks, and teaching me to care for them. I have many memories, full of laughter, surrounding those years of ducks and fun with my grandmother. I miss her a lot, but I know she is here with me now. When I had the ducks I had just left my mother because of her young boyfriend, so perhaps the need for emotional comfort and protection was needed and I agree, the ducks helped provide that for me then. It was a difficult time for me back then.

Ducks represent Emotional Comfort and Protection. Ducks are connected to feminine energies, the astral plane and emotions through their connection with water. Ducks remind us to drink deeply from the waters of life. Find comfort in your element and with those of like mind and spirit. Ducks teach you how to maneuver through the waters of life with grace and comfort. Psychologist and therapists often have Ducks as a totem,assisting them to help others move through emotional tangles.

Monkey

I was introduced to monkeys as a teenager, once in Miami at the Monkey Jungle, where a small monkey befriended me and sat on my shoulder as we walked through this large area of monkeys of all kinds. There were some areas where you and the monkeys were together, some areas where you were the one caged and the monkeys free in large areas, but this little spider monkey found me and just sat on my shoulder all the way through until we got to the exit, when suddenly everyone realized that I had a monkey on my shoulder and I was walking out the door with him. The guards, my parents, everyone jumped into action. Yes, I had to leave the little monkey there. But my other experiences with monkeys were when I met M.A. Gleason in Plain Dealing, Louisiana. He holds a special place in my heart because he showed me about being gay and accepting myself. He had many monkeys and Mike, the chimp. I spent time with all of them.

Help me to see truth in all situations
With my spiritual eyes.
Teach me to hear Otherworld messages
With my spiritual ears.
Bring to me food for the soul from the gods
That my spiritual body may be nourished.

Monkeys represent Dark and Light. The Monkey represents the dark side of the human psyche, but also holds the key to right living. See no evil, Hear no evil, Speak no evil. The ability to see both the dark and the light may unexpectedly enrich and strengthen. The Monkey totem is creative and imaginative. It can lead you into a deeper study of the origins of the human species and the examination of ancient wisdom. Its agile mentality provides you with inspiration and insight when you most need it.

Cat

In college I had CB, short for Charlie Brown. He was something, but always showed his displeasure be urinating on something of mine when he wasn’t allowed to be in a certain room with me. Later I had Diva Kitty. She traveled many roads with me and even had Uncle Jorge for many years to help take care of her in Dallas. I remember the first time she came home with me. She just started running around the room on the back of the furniture in a large circle. It was so funny. She used the running track for years. One day I had cooked some soup and had been trying to teach her not to jump on the kitchen counters. I had put the soup in a bowl and she decided to jump on the counter, landing straight into the bowl of hot soup. Needless to say, but she didn’t stay long. I didn’t have to teach her about being on the counters again, she never jumped up on them after that.

Littlest lion, panther in miniature,
Help me in a my magical endeavors,
Teach me to see my path through dark places,
Help me to sift the necessary from the unnecessary
And to relax and enjoy life.
Strengthened my magic and carry it to its destination.

Cats symbolize Mystery, Magic and Independence. A cat totem encourages agility in both body and mind. You will be challenged with new ideas and places. The cat gives you clearer perception. This spirit helper is resourceful, strong and fearless. It will give you courage and confidence. Examine the colors, character and behaviors of your Cat. Everything about it will reflect in your own life. When a Cat becomes predominant in your life, magic and mystery come alive. Associated with the Norse Goddess of Fertility Freyja and the Hindu Goddess of Childbirth, Shasthi and of course, the Egyptian Goddess Bastet who takes the form of a cat.

Chicken

I remember my father’s parents operating a large chicken farm where eggs were raised and sold to markets. My other grandparents also had chickens. I was always afraid of the chicken and my family always laughed because I called them wickens. I miss my childhood, even though it was hard for me, it still held the idea that there was a family, extended through generations, that enjoyed being together. I eventually overcame my fear of the wickens and began to raise Bantams, those very small chickens, but had hopes of finding different kinds to raise. As usual, my grandmother Lee was there to help and guide, to encourage and lead the way. I laugh when I think about the chickens in my life.

Those with this medicine benefit by living in an environment where water is plentiful. The chicken has an exploratory inquisitive nature. They love to scratch around in lush vegetation uncovering every pebble, leaf or blade of grass always looking for a hidden treasure. Extremely attuned to what lies beneath the surface the chicken holds the teachings of observation, reflection and knowledge. Personal space is important to the chicken. It requires open space in which to roam. If confined they can become aggressive with a tendency to pick on each other. A low ranking hen may be cornered and cannibalized. Chickens have an uncanny ability to remove obstacles by pecking away tirelessly at anything that gets in their way. The skills of patience and determination seen in the chicken are often reflected in the personalities of those who hold this medicine. Although able to cooperate in groups chickens have a strong independent character and when the mood strikes they will demand their space, sometimes aggressively. Those with this medicine need occasional retreat and isolation from others. This need can come about unexpectedly at any time without warning.

Chicken medicine people are true teachers within the structure of relationships. They remind us not to become too needy of our partners, family or friends. They show us how to maintain a sense of independence in groups and ask us to take appropriate time for inner reflection. Those associated with chicken medicine people must respect that individuals need for personal space or feathers will ruffle! Known for their hardiness chickens will run quickly and frantically away from danger. When danger is close they take off with a loud explosion which startles their predator. They are mindful creatures that have extreme sensitivity. Chickens feel the vibrations of mother earth and all life forms that inhabit her. This indicates its empathic abilities. Because empaths literally absorb the energy of everything around them a high-strung nervous system can develop. If nervous energy isn't expressed in a balanced way sporadic unpredictable behavior can occur. Yoga or any other form of meditative movement can help those with this medicine acquire balance. Those with this medicine are natural born empaths. They "feel" their way through life. Their feelings are always right and they need to honor and abide by them in everything they think, do and say.

Pig

My grandfather Lee raised pigs and had one of the first automated pig barns in the country. I used to love to go with grandmother and grandfather to the pig barn, especially to see the little pigs. Later as we grew, my brother and I would try to ride the pigs. I used to sit on the fence and watch the pigs for hours as they rooted through the fields or cooled themselves in the mud. The old pig barn is now a tumbling shack full of useless items stored there over the years, but it has memories that will last a lifetime.

The pig is a mammal of stout body, short legs and thick skin sparsely coated with short bristles. Contrary to popular belief the pig is a very clean animal. Although their pig pens appear to be pig sties their mess is always an organized one. They don't like things within their territory to be moved or misplaced and can be quite animate about this. A friend of mine has a pig as a pet. One day when she was cleaning its pen the pig repeatedly butted her. She finally got the message! Those with this medicine need to be in charge of their personal space and will not tolerate others rearranging it. Pigs have an uncanny intelligence and love the companionship of humans. Domestic pigs are easy to train and make excellent pets. Behavior problems can arise when a pig feels fear or distrust in any situation. Usually docile, they can become aggressive if they think their safety is being threatened. They have strong reasoning power and believe that the best defense is a good defense. Pig medicine people will not accept unjust acts of any kind. They can be overly trusting of others or have no trust at all depending on how developed the medicine is within the person. Learning to attain balance within these extremes is advised.

Domestic pigs demand punctuality and dependability especially at feeding times. A solid routine is important to this animal. Any thing that disturbs their routine creates deep emotional stress and can cause illness. A regular regimen of daily activities is beneficial for pig medicine people. Those with this totem usually have past life ties associated with undisciplined behavior. The pig teaches you how to remain focused and develop a solid secure foundation in your life. The pig is swift in its movement. They intuitively know how to respond in any situation. They are good swimmers and have great strength. Their listening skills are acute. They actually "feel" sound frequencies and respond accurately to the vibration that it holds. Clairsentient and clairaudient abilities are two of the pigs strongest attributes. Those with this totem are reminded to view things from a pigs perspective. When the pig appears in your life pay attention to its movement. If it is charging towards you, its time to stop procrastinating and take action in some area of your life. If a pig waddles slowly towards you its time to stop, reflect and listen to the sound of your inner knowing.

Cow

My grandparents raised cattle, Registered Herefords. We had to take care of them when we visited for the summers. But grandfather always told us not to play with the calves in the special pen. I never realized until older, that the special pen held bull calves that would be castrated and feed to supply meat for the family, only the cows were allowed to remain. As a child I would walk through the fields and watch the cows as they sat, grazed, and slumbered along. I was always afraid of the bull, but he never would do anything more than just walk up to you to get food. I miss the sounds, the smells, and the ideas surrounding the time of the cows for it was a time of long ago with memories of people I don’t recognize now.

In Hinduism, dating back from the Vedic period, the cow was associated with certain deities. Though oxen's and bulls were sacrificed and flesh consumed in ancient India, the slaughter of milk producing cows was prohibited. Killing a cow was equated to the sin of killing a Brahman, a member of the highest priestly caste. In ancient Egyptian religion the cow was linked to the goddess of fertility and love. It is strongly associated with motherhood and is a symbol of nourishment because it is able to furnish food for mankind. The counterpart of the cow, the bull, brought nourishment through slaughtering and is known as an animal symbolizing fertility through sacrifice.

The cow is a strong sturdy animal and knows how to hold its ground. Determined and steadfast the cow can weather storms easily bunching together in sheltered spots standing like stoic statues. Those with cow medicine need to remember to stand in their truth and not let other people influence their decisions. In this way they master any challenge efficiently. Cows are intelligent and incredibly observant. They respond to their instinctive knowing and have an uncanny ability to sense danger as well as opportunity. They teach those with this medicine how to develop their perception. If cow appears to us it is asking us to pay attention, observer and then respond accordingly. The cow is performing both a duty and a sacrifice for man. Not only do they give milk and all other dairy products for the consumption of the human race, but they willingly offer their very lives so that man may have meat to eat. It is believed that the cow decided to make the sacrifice of their own personal bodies in order to allow other animal life forms to be spared, at least to some extent. The reason the cow has chosen to sacrifice themselves is due to a karmic influence among the species. Today the cow practices compassion through sacrifice and in so doing advance spiritually as a species.

The big penetrating eyes of the cow have a way of looking right through us. Their hypnotic stare tears down our personal illusions and awakens love within us. Anyone who has looked into the eyes of the cow knows the compassion that radiates from them. The cow is a powerful totem and shows us how to nurture ourselves and honor others. Those with this totem are usually service oriented and put other peoples needs before their own. Sacrificing our personal desires for the common good of all is part of its medicine.

Fear

“The polarization of Fear is still rising, and if we are to resolve it and move on, each of us must participate personally. We must watch our thoughts and expectations very carefully, and catch ourselves every time we treat another human being as an enemy. We can defend ourselves, and restrain certain people, but if we dehumanize them, we add to the Fear.” Quote from The Tenth Insight by James Redfield

Fear is something I have become painfully aware of for it has been ruling my actions for some time. Fear of what others might think of me, fear of things I have done in the past that control my thoughts of self, fear of what the future holds in store, fear of what I have perceived society becoming, fear about health concerns, fear about being able to satisfy clients, fear of loosing myself, and fear of what I have been becoming. I’ve been reading The Tenth Insight and the subject matter is all about learning to overcome the Fear and to learn to live in love, knowing we are awakening into a new spiritual world. I’d lost my sight for a while, thus not writing much of late.

I realized that I lost my sight because instead of standing up for something I believed was right, I left the situation. That was the key moment. I realized that perhaps I stayed in a place on my travels a bit too long, even after the horses had appeared telling me that it was time to be free. (see comments at end about the horse totem.) Instead I stayed, only to be faced with the fact that things weren’t as they appeared, but rather was surrounded by lies and deceit. I should have stood up and expressed my thoughts about the situation, but didn’t. It’s too late now, so I will have to believe that I can overcome the self-degradation that I’ve been putting myself through because of my own actions.

After reviewing my life over the last few months, I’ve realized that fear was the key factor surrounding many things in my life. Thus, to overcome the fears I’m going to do a confession of sorts. First, lets start with an event that has haunted me for years. I had been working for a wonderful man who had taken me into a very special inner circle of the Washington DC “A” list. Because of fears surrounding my finances, I slowly started paying some of my bills from the company funds. Over time I realized that I was in too deep and couldn’t do as I had planned of putting the funds back in the accounts. It took me some time to confess, but only after I had left and ruined a perfect life. This special man could have put me in jail for years, but instead did something unexpected, he forgave me, and the debt. The fact that I did that act was enough to trouble my mind ever since. I couldn’t forgive myself. Up until that moment I had been creating a life of respect and honor, and that one act began a spiral into the darkness that I hope can end. Yes, I’ve embezzled, stole, lied, cheated, and betrayed, not just that special man, but on many other occasions. I have made amends for most of it, but just the fear of what I had done becoming public was enough to cause great depressions. The fear that I could not forgive myself was even greater. However, I’m learning that I have the power to overcome the fear of the past, even the future, by becoming true to myself and empowering myself again with the virtues I had held. I believe that the power of love is enough to help me overcome that fear. I have the power to forgive myself for what I’ve done in the past, and the power to face the future on new terms.

I know that I have hurt a lot of people in the past, mostly because I was afraid of being hurt. I’ve left places out of fear, ran away because of fear, and that has led to a life of interesting proportions. Even of late I’d been running away because of fear, running away into my own private little world so I wouldn’t be hurt anymore, and wouldn’t hurt anyone else. The fear was overwhelming. The good news is that I’m going to work through all of the fear so I can live again. I’ve lived too long in fear. I do not know how all of this will play out, but I’m ready to work through it now so I can find the peace of mind, the strength of will to be able to find myself again. That little boy I see all the time who was very sensitive, caring, adventurous, in tuned to the rhythms of the earth, who often took time to enjoy the beauty of nature and animals, and who enjoyed life even though he felt that he didn’t belong and wasn’t wanted.

It’s taken me some time to rediscover that little boy so he can grow up into the man that I met last year in St. Louis. It seems fear has caused a lot of changes in my life, but as I’ve reviewed my life, it was love that freed me; and will free me now. I’m nervous about opening my heart again, but I know that only by doing so can I experience love in its many forms – romance, friends, and self respect. Perhaps by loving myself, forgiving myself, and learning to open myself again I will experience a new chapter in my life. Hopefully a chapter that will cause many wonderful stories that I can write about and share here. Stories that can inspire, intrigue and hopefully help others overcome the fears that rule their lives.

“We are all souls in growth, we all have an original intention that is positive; and we can all remember. Our responsibility is to hold that idea for everyone we meet. That’s the true Interpersonal Ethic; that’s how we uplift, that’s the contagion of the new awareness that is encircling the planet. We either fear that human culture is falling apart, or we can hold the Vision that we are awakening. Either way, our expectation is a prayer that goes out as a force that tends to bring about the end we envision. Each of us must consciously choose between these two futures.” Quote from The Tenth Insight by James Redfield

Yes, I’m guilty. I’ve dehumanized many people in the past, through fear, through manipulation and much more in order to prove something to myself, perhaps that I was better or right. But that only left me feeling worse about myself. Through the reviewing process of my life I found that there were times when I treated people with respect and love. During those special times I had good friends, good jobs, and a good life. Of late I’d been fearing that our culture was falling apart, so was I because of the fear. I’ve realized that if I only see the bad, comment on the worse, and live my life in fear then that is what will happen. The new experiment begins, that of living my life in love, working to see the good in things, to see the worth in others, and to find a good life again. Perhaps if we all could take some time to review our lives we might find the truth in who we really are and find our way through the maze into a new world of love, acceptance, and peace.

Lines

Can you see by looking at me,
The things I'm going through?
I cannot help but wonder what
I have to do?
For a I see pictures of we
Together for eternity
But I cannot expect it to be
For I know nothing can
So I won't ask for you
I'll just keep loving you
The way I do

You're the woman of my dreams
I see you every night
But I know deep inside
I cannot come close to touching you
There are lines in my eyes
That stop me where I am
So until the lines are gone
I'll love you from a far
The woman of my dreams

Sometimes, I wish the lines away
But they seem to never go
I would, could explain, but it hurts me to know
If I did, you would go, far away from me
So I'll keep a distant stand


NOTE: Another one written in college.

Maybe Then

What do you do when there's nothing left
When your world has turned inside out?
How do you go on and face the tomorrow
When you life is not worth the living?
Where do you go to simply 'get away'
When the pressures of life are too much?
Whom do you turn to for love and understanding
When the one you love just said, 'good-bye?'

If only I knew ...
If only I knew just what, how, where, whom.
Maybe then I might ...
Maybe then I might be able to continue in life.
Mabye I could ...
Maybe I could accept the loss of a family, a friend, a lover.
If only I knew ...
Maybe then ...
I could ...

NOTE: Written in college.

Juliet

The world is a never-ending play
And the people are mere actors
They paly the part that society wants them to play
They can never really be happy
They take up refuge among themselves
They never know who they are
Or what their purpose in life is
Until that special someone
A special someone that loves and understands
That makes the double life worth living

So put on a smile
And put on your makeup
Go out and face the cameras
Don't forget your part of Romeo
Play your part and play it well
Hey don't you know the world is a stage
And you are an actor of sorts
You play the part of Romeo
But when you're hidden in your private dressing room
You become who you really are, Juliet

NOTE: Another one written in college.

No World World

Who am I but a poor blind fool
Just standing in the rain
looking back at yesterdays
Friends tell me who I am and what I'm like
They tell me to look at my tomorrows
That I have a future
They say just because you've lost a lover
doesn't mean your world has ended.
But when I look at me
I see no tomorrow, no reason to live
I just can't see the person they know
I try, but cannot
I have no world, no life to live
But maybe, if I go away to another land
I can find out just who they know
Just who I am in this no world world.

NOTE: This was written back in my college days.

Us

Love brings such joy tempered with the pain of departure.
Seperation, the end of a relationship, brings such sorrow, so many broken hopes.
Still time heals and through that pain we grow stronger.
Human nature has an innate desire to hope and to love, to be loved.
This we cannot live without.

In time we meet someone new, new hopes, dreams, desires.
We love and this time our love is strengthened from the fact that we have loved before.
Now, we are capable of a greater love.
We have knowledge to add to our heart's desire.
Making us, Us.

I struggled alone

Men, bodies, minds, hearts.
I first see men, their bodies,
then discover their minds,
then their hearts.
Their thoughts, actions are dictated by their past,
their present need to deal with escape from or forget.

Such demons that seem to control our minds.
There is a unique but familiar story behind each face.
Would, if I could, compile these stories
and relate them back to others who need to know
they are not alone in their struggles.
But would it do any good?

I struggled alone, unaware of the many books
and people who could help guide me.
Education of the people is neccessary to assist the future generations.
Acceptance, tolerance, unification of diversification is the only way.
Love must rule as supreme in our lives.
We must be mindful of the needs, fears, hurts, hopes of others.
We cannot use them for our own personal gain or desire.
If we do we can cause further hurt to a fragile soul.

Acceptance, love, 'to thine own self be true.'
Can we accept and love others who are different?
Christ can. Can we allow Him through us?
We must die to ourselves and allow Christ (the spirit) to live through us.

Will I ever be able to walk hand-in-hand with someone
and look in his eyes and know, feel the love we have? How I long for such.
Who will be the man who will support and encourage my Christian walk?

Day of Greatness

Gay men searching.
Trying to find something lost within themselves.
Loneliness, despair, searching.
What is it they are looking for but cannot find?
Bars, clubs, baths, parks, and other places they search.
Loneliness seems to dominate and dictate a continous cycle of drinking to forget,
sex just to be near someone - to be wanted, desired, loved - even if it's just for the moment.
The emptiness returns and again the searching.
What is it? That intangible, almost unreachable, desire that drives them.
Is it love, acceptance, belonging, or a feeling of being?
I've noticed most have strong demons of self-hate, low self esteem, and a sense of not belonging.
Is this society's fault for not teaching them to love themselves,
for not showing them they are loved and accepted?
Is it the Judeo-Christian ethics that have driven them into a no-man's land
of despair, loneliness and searching?
I know our God, the only God, loves his creations and provides
for them the sunshine, rain, food and shelter.
Perhaps if more people would look to Him and truely follow
His ways then we would all find what we are searching for.
Perhaps if there would be no reason for hate,
perhaps these men would find acceptance, love and belonging.
Perhaps the endless nights of searching would end and a new day of greatness would emerge.

Through my Window

Through my window I watch a familiar parade.
Men, women, some fancifully dressed,
others casual, and a few in interesting costumes of various kinds.
Club Kids, Cowboys, Drag Queens, Hustlers, Attorneys, Doctors, and many more.
Walking together alone down party streets that only come alive at dark.
Within this darkness is safety. An obscure sense of cover.
Able to do what they will, feeling safe and covered from view.
There will be a day when even what is done in secret will be revealed to the masses.
So why conceal your desire in the darkness?
Learn to walk in the light and be proud of who you are.
Not flagrent or over powering, but with a quiet sense of being.

I am the One

People, pain, pleasure, excitement, joy, loneliness, fear, hope.
I see people looking for something to make them feel needed, important, loved.
I hear people saying, 'you must first love yourself before you can love another.'
Do these people know how to love themselves?
Perhaps they need someone to love them for them,
to teach them to accept and love themselves?
It seems that most of us don't take the time to accept others different from ourselves.
Perhaps if we took the time, the world would be a better place.
The people more accepting, friendly, and filled with love for themselves and others.
I am the one to start.
Most good things only take one person to start and one act of kindness sparks another.

Words

Words, spoken, written, heard, read.
I find the written words easier to understand.
Words spoken have different meanings,
both to speaker and the listener.
People should think more before speaking
for a word spoken can cause great joy or pain.
I prefer the written word, but there is life in the spoken.

Poems and Art

I know I haven't written in a while and perhaps it's because I've been withdrawing into my own private world. I've been reviewing my life and all the things I have done and not done. Over the years I have written some poetry and done some drawings. I'm going to share everything over the next few days, so I hope you enjoy the art I've created and the poems.

My Dream World

Film, theater, movies, acting, and much more are all about creating something that doesn’t exist, an ideal of what we think has been, what might become, and our mind’s creative outlet of the surreal. It seems that I have lived my life as an actor, living out something I thought I should be doing. Mostly I suppose because when I try to see what reality is, I get very depressed. So I believe those things that make me smile, that help me carry on for another day, those things that take me away upon that flying carpet to lands I’ll never see.

Perhaps that is why I enjoy the movies so much. The technology has improved, but the story is still the same – something to take your mind away from your reality even if just for a few hours. When you’re like me you get lost in the worlds you create and eventually loose sight of reality. What is real? Well, for me it’s the magic, the fun, the dancing, the songs, the chance to believe that I can be something special. For others, well, I’m sure they create what makes them feel special also.

I’ve always lived my life in fantasy and every now and then take a moment to look in on what others call reality. I don’t like what I see, and over the years it’s just gotten worse. So I keep going deeper and deeper into my fantasy world I’m creating for myself, which to some may seem odd, because I’m sure they believe I am only retreating more and more into my own world and shutting myself away from others. There are some people I genuinely enjoy and believe are good people, but for most of society I’m very fearful of what they are becoming.

Why is it that no one really cares about other people, about the state of affairs of the world, the amount of injustice in the world, and is it really better for life to speed up and improve, so to say? I long for a time when things were simple. A time when people could walk down a street and know the people around them without fear of something bad happening to them. These days neighbors don’t even care to know about each other. The governments of the world are running amuck without anyone holding them accountable. Are so called civic leaders are only interested in what makes them more powerful, not the interest of the poor, the needy, or the homeless. What made the United States a great nation no longer exists. There is no longer a concern for what is right, only a concern for making money. Has money become the new GOD? It seems so from my perspective.

Some may ask why I prefer my dream world over the real one, but I tell you this – if what the real world has to offer is all of the things I’ve just scratched the surface of above, then yes, I do prefer my dream world. At least there I’m safe, loved, cared for, appreciated, and I am free. Maybe we all live in some sort of dream state that we’ve created for ourselves. Do you?

Life Events

Children only see from their perspective, that limited view point of innocence, what the events around them mean. To them it seems that things are right or wrong and not much gray. I’ve read that children have various stages that they grow through. As a child one perceives the events around them as relative to whom they are and what they have done. I remember some events of my childhood, now as an adult, but as seen through my child’s eye. I understand more the decisions my parents made now. I understand some of their struggles of love, relationships, work, and family. I realize that they have worked through many situations that back then I only had limited sight of the details. I just saw some of it and then made decisions based upon that limited insight, most of them that lead to ideas of who I was and were I belonged.

Lately I’ve been reviewing my life and wondering what events lead to the destruction of my once loving family. I now see it wasn’t just one event, but a life long series of them. My mother fell in love with a man, that man married her because he didn’t want to be poor anymore and not for love. That same man was always fulfilling his desires of the flesh with various other women. I have no idea of the effects that had upon my mother, but I’m sure it wasn’t easy to live her life. I’m sure it wasn’t easy trying to rear three very different children, hold a job to support them, and to try to find love. I know that’s why when she remarried she chose the person she did. I think she was trying to find the love she felt for my father. I think I understand her desire to feel loved.

I see now the string of events that lead to my family’s demise. I miss the fun times we all had singing as my mother played the piano, spending days water skiing at the lake, the family vacations in Arkansas, the family gatherings, the holiday festivities, and mostly the feeling that everyone was loved and accepted, of being part of a family. I wonder why my family had grown apart and cannot find their ways past all of the pain and hurt to again embrace each other. Perhaps there is a point that one reaches that cannot allow one to forgive. Perhaps there is a point where one can no longer deal with pain. Perhaps there is a point where one just gives up and then seeks to find a way to leave everything behind.

I wonder what my life would be like today if things had been different, but I cannot change the past, only find ways of accepting it, forgiving, and moving forward into the unknown. But moving forward means being abler to accept the past without prejudice of those involved in creating the past. How does one move forward without being able to accept the past? Can one accept the past with all of the wrong decisions, the hurts and pain, and the regrets of youth? I suppose only time will tell. There are times that I think I have accepted something only to find that it still has a strong hold on my decisions now. I’ve reached a point that hurt and pain are too much to handle anymore so I create safe relationships, safe harbor in my apartment away from the world, and live my life own my own now. Yes, being alone does have its drawbacks but it’s safe. No one to pass judgment upon you. No one to cause any pain. No one to hurt.

I live alone in a small sparsely furnished apartment with limited means, but I’m learning to find peace. One doesn’t have to have possessions and riches to have happiness, and maybe that’s the point I’ve missed all along. I’ve tried to hard to have what society says we should possess. Perhaps it is finding out what we need and what makes our hearts sing is important, not what others think we need. So for now I’m learning how to do without, to be alone, and to just accept life as it is without changing it. Maybe there will be something in this life that I can pass on to others. What it is I’m not sure just yet, but I know that I’ll find out one day.