Finding Support or Encouragement

Realizing that over the years I haven't always been one to stick with anything for very long - boyfriends, jobs, businesses, family, homes, etc. - I hadn't known the truth of what my friends believed about me. I know I've moved a lot, quit jobs, left lovers, and got rid of businesses I owned all because I wanted freedom, but does this mean that when I take on a new project that my friends cannot support me. It seems that way lately, because when I talk about my current project they all seem to just give me lip service, not genuine support. I've been keeping it all inside until today when my sister sent me an email.

Most people have never understood who I am, some never tried, and yet, can I blame them when there have been times in my life that I didn't understand what my motivations were. During my 5 months of backpacking through Central America something changed in me, or was it that I rediscovered the strengths I had when younger but that had been lost because of so many perceived failures. Whatever it was, I'm now at a point in my life where I really know myself, am willing to stand up and do something again, to open up to new friendships, and to a point where I've accepted the person I am, including all of the negative (or perceived negative) aspects of my life.

Few, if any, have ever seen the many nights of tears, the long sleepless nights questioning my very existence, or known the troubles of my mind as I have sorted through my life. I'll admit, I haven't tried very hard to let anyone know about my struggles, and would only tell people, "I don't think you could handle being inside my head for a moment as it might make you go insane." I've always internalized everything in my life, and kept my fears from everyone, fears, hurts, pains, etc. Now, I'm ready to open my life and try to let people see what really goes on inside my head, my heart, and know the real me. However, are they ready? Are they true friends or not? Can they see past whatever conceived ideas they might have about me to discover the changes in my life now?

I'm not sure where my life is leading me these days. I have never wanted to extend my life, as I haven't liked it on many occasions throughout the years, but now I am talking with my doctor about taking HIV medications, seeking ways of improving my health, working on mending broken family ties, trying to be a concerned and honest friend, and I'm actually wanting to live. I know this thought doesn't resonate with my friends or family that have been through my life with me, however, rediscovering myself has brought about such changes in my life and how I think about myself that I'm ready to move forward into that vast unknown, not with dread of the past, but with a hope for what might be in the future.

I haven't thought very highly of myself over the last many years since I left Louisiana, because I know I wasn't following a true path, instead I was avoiding my issues by indulging in the dark side of sensual pleasures, doing drugs, and feeling sorry for myself. Even when I left Austin to go to Central America I had shut down and couldn't function, I had given up completely, ready to end it all. I couldn't find a way to forgive myself for years of neglect, pain, and avoidance. I came alive while backpacking, realized that I had the ability to do anything, learned to be open about who I was, and returned to the states a different man. At least within my own thoughts and beliefs I've changed or returned to a true path, however, others cannot see that yet.

I suppose when those that are closest to you can only see the image that has been created over the years, then it may be difficult for them to see, or accept, that there could be an altered image now. I cannot fully express the tears that fell today when I tried to talk to my best friend about the new project, and how it has been achieving something that I know is far beyond me, and seeking his advice and support, instead only receiving what I felt like was lip service. He's been my best friend for a long time now, but lately I've noticed more and more changes in our relationship, discovered what his real thoughts are about me, and have begun to question the status of our relationship. I get to see him on Wednesday and will find the words to speak with him about how I felt today.

The child within has grown up, perhaps not to full adult age, but he has grown. That lonesome, fearful, hurt, and ashamed child now seeks acceptance, forgiveness and love in a world that now seems foreign, uncertain, and challenging. Through working on the new project I've grown as well, right along with that inner child, holding hands together, and finding assurance within each other. I'm afraid, nervous, and unsure of where this new project will take me, however, I do know it's something that I cannot escape or run from at this point. It has become the one guiding factor for my existence now, that driving force, and something that isn't about me.

I've been brought to tears a lot of late, tears of joy, of amazement, of loneliness, of personal skepticism, and of fear. Other people are getting to know the person they see working on the project, that creative mind (as I've been known to be called), and they have shown such compassion, encouragement and support to rival anything I have known before. I'm sure it's the project itself and not me that draws their support, but maybe they see something deeper within myself that is only now finding it's own voice and place in the world. Whatever it is, the project or my own energy, I'm thankful for the love.

Daily doubting my own abilities and talents, I've begun to work harder to be true to myself, to speak my concerns, and to be open with people. I know I may not be the person who can carry this new project forward into the acclaim it has been receiving, but I know that I can find the people who can help it achieve it's calling. I'm going along for the ride, enjoying every minute of the refreshing atmosphere, to see where all of this will lead. Who's along for the ride with me? Who cares enough to see into the heart of a man that has long lived in fear and pain?

Welcome to my world, now you've seen what goes on inside my head all of the time, and I've only shown a portion of it here. But if anyone wants to get involved in helping me to take my project to it's next level, then please visit my project's website: www.theHIVconversation.com. Hopefully through this project we all might discover our true selves and learn to laugh, share and live openly.

A Leader or Just Being

Recently I submitted several stories to one of the websites that has been helping me support my new book and film project, "The Conversation". One story was about me and the other was an excerpt from the book I'm writing. I'd like to share one of them with you here.

I don't often consider myself a leader in any regard, but from the communications I've been receiving of late, it seems maybe I am, or at least I'm inspiring others. Perhaps a leader is someone who inspires others to accomplish things. Well, here is the one story.

My Story for TakingItGlobal.org (TIG)

The question was what inspires me:

Creativity, honesty, openness, directness, compassion, intelligence, and freedom inspire me and have throughout my now 45 years. These are qualities I find true in myself and honor them in others when they exhibit such. Creativity, such as in art, always inspires as I gaze upon the beauty, talent, and mind of the artist. Honesty, when expressed through love, is valued amongst my friends, and even when it might slip out through anger. Openness because I believe we should all be open about our lives because it allows us to live freely without fear. Directness may not suit everyone, however, I find it easy for then I know what another is really thinking. Compassion and intelligence go hand and hand for me in that we should have both so that our lives are led with our minds but guided by our hearts. Freedom, being able to do, say, or just be, perhaps is the one thing that has kept my life in constant change, but the one thing I know that guides my path.

What projects am I involved with :

While attending a bi-annual PWA (people with AIDS) camp out, sponsored by the PWA Holiday Charities of Houston, Texas, I and some others were sitting and talking when someone mentioned they had just started dating someone. We all asked, ‘have you had “The Conversation”?’ This term, as some of us have affectionately started calling it, is about disclosing our HIV status. During this little time of chat the idea of a book came about, being that there wasn’t one about the topic, and being that I felt I had something to give to the world, I started working on developing a book. The early beginnings were crude, and some aspects still are, but “The Conversation” is taking off and finding its supporters and participants. I’m retired due to having HIV and Neurosyphilis, something uncommon in these days, and now have an AIDS diagnoses. Thus, I work almost full time on developing the book, along with a film project, seeking people to volunteer their stories, to create their own video shorts, and to promote the project’s work. I’m amazed at the responses and support the project has received, as I didn’t really think about how it would be in reality, just a belief that there was a story to tell that hadn’t been told. Perhaps a hope of being able to live in a world where I can freely talk about my HIV status without worrying if I would loose my job, my health benefits, and family and friends. I don’t know where all of this is leading now, but the universe is taking the energy that I’ve put forth and letting it find its own end, so for now I’m doing my part and enjoying the ride down this river of life.

What do I think makes a good leader:

Leadership, there are some who are taught to lead, others who have a natural ability to lead, and yet others who lead through action or verse. I believe anyone can lead, it’s just a matter of believing in something and working for that cause, that thought, that intuition. Anyone who leads, I believe and because I have lead four companies now, along with being a leader in the military, should have knowledge, compassion, understanding, strength of character, a belief in one’s self, and above all else honesty. I don’t consider myself a leader, although life has put me in that position often, probably because I still doubt that I can make a difference or lead anyone anywhere. But I know, from my own experiences and the comments from others, that I am a leader simply because I believe in something, have talents, and apparently born to do something.

Is there anything that TIG can do to help me achieve my work and have they helped:

Oh, yes, as I scream this loudly. Taking It Global has helped me achieve part of my goal of getting the word out about my project, not to mention providing great resources and leads to others who might want to be involved in “The Conversation”. I greatly respect Janet (I’m not sure of her profile name on here, something I suppose I will go find out), who has been promoting the project and sending me the responses she obtains from others. I suppose there are other ways that TIG could help, but by just having this wonderful resource here to connect, share and learn has been incredible. I’ve created a Blog, a Group, and even been making new friends. Perhaps the greatest blessing would be to have TIG promote the project to a publisher (as I haven’t found one yet who is interested) or helping me to find ways of getting funding for the film project. If anyone knows of ways I can reach resources for either of these I would be grateful. I suppose the new age of technology can be something wonderful, and TIG is doing something awesome and I’m glad I can be a part of it all.