Questions, thoughts, regrets, amazing accomplishments reigned in the past, but now only a lingering desire remain. Growing up wasn’t an easy experience, as I always knew I was extremely different from the other members of my family. Throughout elementary, middle and high school every day was a confirmation of just how different I was, not only from my family, but from just about everyone. It seemed that I lived in a different world, thought differently, acted differently, believed differently, and all the while wondering where did I fit in? During the younger days I just lived life, enjoyed dancing, socializing, and of course way too much romancing. Then things just fell into place, as I wasn’t actively trying to accomplish anything, but there the awards and kudos were. I remember the torturous days of work as we created the sets for the 1987 Bob Hope Flying High Birthday Extravaganza. We worked almost 20 hours a day doing all of the painting, designing, and building. It was all worth it when I met the most incredible man one night when I took a break and went out in San Antonio.
I couldn’t believe this incredible looking man standing in front of me in all white linen, the lines of his ripped muscles elegantly draped, was actually asking me to dance. It was an ego boost for sure, but then he was added to the many others who served just that same purpose. Always desiring to be loved, but never feeling that I could be or even able to return such love only led to being alone. Over the years there were many wonderful men, and as I think about them now I wish I could have done some things differently. Thank you to all of you, the men in my life. Life, it’s that thing that happens while we live.
Living was something I enjoyed, yet because of the feelings of being so different and never feeling that I belonged, the thought of not being here haunted my ever dreaming mind. Now that same haunt is torn by the desire to please the clients who have become such incredible friends. The pull of starting, building, and getting the nursery going has devastated my being to a point that the old haunted thoughts grow ever stronger. It’s ironic in many ways that the one place I ever called home is the one place that now causes so much pain. Growing up here on the farm wasn’t something that brought great joy as I felt I belonged here and my grandmother’s love, support and encouragement fostered a love of gardening, of being myself, and of this place.
The farm has changed, but not for the better. Over the years after my mother forced my grandmother to sign over the land, my mother has allowed her husband to basically trash the farm, filling it with rubbish of old tractors, odds and ends from truck parts, old cars, and together they have treated the land with ill intent. It’s sad for me to be here and see how it has become, especially when I work so hard to improve the few acres where I call home now (not even my own land, but my sister’s, and she nor her family care anything about the land.). My love of this place far exceeds that of any of the others, and I suppose that is why they withhold it from me.
The undesired success of youth is now only a memory while the new desires to build a successful business strain every fiber of my being. Is this what other entrepreneurs go through? The struggle of giving up so much in order to purchase materials, pay the bills and keep the business going. I know from having many other businesses over the years that there are times that making it all work is a struggle, but in the past there always seemed to be some energy behind everything making the success. Now it seems the energy is gone, or is it? I see it when I see my father working with me in the garden or greenhouse, I see it in the continued support of clients, and I see it when everything seems dim a light shines to show the way. Now the struggle is to determine to stay or go, because those haunted thoughts keep raging stronger with each passing day. I know at some point I will welcome the next level of energy (as some of you call death) as I know it is where I belong, back into the universal consciousness with hopes of returning to a world that makes sense. For now, there are the clients who so appreciate my work that I keep going, because it seems that through it all I did find a place to belong, but on my own terms, being who I am – Sebastian or Lynn – maybe that’s why I’m always torn. But alas, I am both men, now with a lingering desire to know love.
