Developing one’s social skills isn’t something one accomplishes while living in the country, shucks, even just finding little things to occupy your mind aren’t easy. Thus I read a lot, find as many little projects as I can that I can afford to work on, watch some television, work on the house, and dream.
One of the things I’ve been learning lately is that of not anticipating what is to come, yes, I’m to prepare by looking at the truths of any given situation, but not prepare my responses, not to look behind me at what was or has been, not to look beside me to measure myself against others, and not to look ahead of me to find answers that won’t be revealed because it’s not time for me to know then yet. Increasingly it’s about living in the present, the here and now, this one tiny moment.
As a dreamer, I can dream many things, most grandiose and not practical. Living in the moment means that we are ever present with any event or person who may be with us in that moment. Lately, I’ve been having trouble with the people aspect as I’ve withdrawn from most of them in order to give them space to err, to grow, to learn and I just watch. I suppose that is why I desire a place to call my own, so I can have my alone time. However, along with Roadie, I would enjoy the company of a lover. I say a lover because these days I’m opening myself to the possibility of anything. Yes, I’m gay, but I’m finding that sometimes companionship is more important than sex.
Yesterday’s I Ching reading was about Conflict. It seems that most conflict is derived from our Inner Conflicts – we’re not being true to ourselves and thus not able to be true to others. I’m finding that being true to myself involves me learning to find my own character, my strengths, to know my values and then to live my life by them. I’ve had many experiences to help me determine what my values should be, so now I’m working on learning to be true to them. This also involves relationships as I’m learning what I want and what I don’t want.
What I want is someone who is communicative, spiritual, adventurous, intellectual, affectionate, loving, compassionate, and mostly someone that I enjoy spending time with. I’d been rushing into things, but then again nothing happens by chance, everything is all part of the grand design, so I suppose I’ve been through a learning experience. One of the things that yesterday’s I Ching reading brought about is that conflict with others can generally be avoided at the beginning if we carefully determine fair and just terms. “In all his transactions the superior man carefully considers the beginning.”
I think the book, A Guide to the I Ching, says it best. “To put that relationship on a firm footing one must take the time to allow an understanding of fair and just principles to develop. However, before we can successfully marry another, we must first marry ourselves, for being true to ourselves is the only basis for loyalty to others. … The person who has married himself is unwilling to do things that cause a loss of his inner balance and integrity. He cannot forswear to anyone else his relationship with the Higher Power, or compromise his dignity or integrity merely to respond to another’s selfish demands and expectations. Others need to realize in advance that we are committed to such personal integrity, in order to avoid misunderstandings. This is not something we may tell them, but is something they will understand if we are firm and unwavering in following our values.”
I suppose according to all of the things I’ve been reading from the I Ching that I’m to let everyone go and allow them the freedom to become who they are to be, which allows me to learn to be true to myself. I’m single again (or so the facts point to this, but I'm waiting to see), but I’m developing a greater sense of who I am and what I want in a relationship. At least I’m learning to open myself to others, something I’ve not been able to do in a long time. There for a while I utilized various online methods to meet other men, but I’ve realized that by doing so I only met those people who lived their lives on the computer. So I have deleted all of the various profiles I had created in favor of allowing Fate to bring about a suitable lover through real time, interactive, old-fashioned get out and meet ways. Now to believe in the Higher Power, the Divine God/Goddess, the Sage, and Fate to bring about such an encounter while I continue to learn about myself and how to remain true to myself.
Thought for now: What inner conflicts are causing misunderstandings in your various relationships? Most conflict begins when we have our inner conflicts so in order to resolve the outer conflicts I believe we should resolve our inner conflicts. As we resolve our inner conflicts Fate and the Higher Power will begin to resolve peacefully all of the other conflicts. Part of resolving our conflicts is meeting people half way. This isn’t about going all the way to them, but allowing each person to take action to resolve an issue by meeting the other half way. This half-way meeting allows each to show their intentions to resolve the situation. If the other person isn’t interested in meeting you half way, then give them space and time for Fate to allow them the freedom to learn and grow, and even err, but hold fast to your inner self and your values.
