A New Adventure

After yesterday’s clearing of the remaining items in the tiny apartment, turning over the keys, and attending to a few errands, I was left with feelings of dread, doubt, insecurities, loss, sadness, and frustration. Airports should have a nap space, however, the floor combined with luggage does make for a comfortable sleeping arrangement. Other than the occasional late night arrivals, the airport in Austin is very quiet, excepting for the wisps, clatters, clutters, clinks, and sounds from the cleaning crews. Being the first person to actually go to sleep felt awkward, however, after waking during the early, cool morning hours I noticed I wasn’t alone and several others had taken up the floor as a place of rest. Alone I meandered up and down the straight corridors of the airport longing for the hour I can check-in and then board my flight for Atlanta. Atlanta is the first and only stop on my way to San Jose, Costa Rica. After days of dread, second guessing, and emotional turmoil, I am now on my way. Unsure of what to expect, if I can cope (seeing that I haven’t been able to cope in Austin), of how I will fare on a limited budget, and being so nervous that I’m breaking out with cold-sores.

I’ve left behind a mess of relationships, mostly because I shut down and couldn’t find a way to even talk to anyone. It took me a month and coaxing by my best friend to even be able to talk a little bit with him. I suppose the shut down is from the energy healing I was going through and so many feelings were emerging at once that I found myself unable to deal with any of them. Angry, mad, sad, upset, happy, fearful, and feeling that I was loosing my mind has ruled the last month. At the moment I’m tearing up because I’m allowing some emotions to surface, that of regret and loss. Yes, I’ve ruined some good friendships, however, the loss is for myself. I’ve lost myself somewhere along the years and tried to become someone else. It seems that I’m having to allow my persona of Sebastian St.Troy die along with everything and everyone I’ve left behind in Austin. I’m going to have to relearn who Lynn Boney is and what it is he’s capable of being and doing.

People say that I’m very talented in many aspects, and perhaps they are correct, but it’s not from training, it’s from learning how to be a con-artist. Yes, I’m admitting it, I’m a con-artist. I’ve learned how to be a very good one because I can make people believe just about anything about who I am supposed to be and what I’m capable of doing. It has been that way all along, including every time I have had to work for myself because I couldn’t find a job. I’ve been a user of people, a liar, a thief, and just not a nice person. I know what you’re thinking, but it’s true, I’ve just been able to make you believe otherwise. Perhaps coming to truths about who I really am will assist in finding who I really am. Embracing the dark side of my personality for a change is different, but strangely comfortable.

I’ve run from my darkness for too long. I’ve been running all of my life, not to something, but rather always away. Away from responsibility, friendships, emotions, trust, and so much more. There are times of late that I wish this life was over, however, I’m not even strong enough mentally to figure out how to accomplish such things, not to mention I’ve tried it in the past and if there is a way I would want it to be quick and painless. However, instead of such things, although I feel like such, I’m struggling forward through the realm of the unknown and into a new adventure.

A man’s voice combined with a female’s Spanish translation is now booming from the speakers, people are moving about, gates are being prepared by people in white, blue, and black uniforms, lights are shining, sounds abound as the airport comes to life again. Soon it will be time to check my luggage and board my flight. I’m so scared that feelings I’ve suppressed for a long time are bursting forth in a way that I cannot control them. Instead I’m writing.

I’m tired of the way things have become in the United States, of how businesses operate, and how people are in general. Maybe by having to learn and live in a different culture will help me come to some acceptance terms or find a place that I actually enjoy being. Who knows what is to become of me, I don’t and that’s for sure. I’m giving up on being the norm and keeping up with what is expected. No more cell phone, no residence, no belongings, just me and a small laptop (I’d give that up too, however, it seems it’s my only way of communicating. It’s time, so off to brush the teeth before my toothpaste gets packed away for the trip. Eight hours and I’ll be a foreign country.