To every story there is an ending, however that ending may be the beginning of the next story. Over the years there have been many stories in my life and it seems the end of the Texas story was the beginning of a new story. Over the last few days I’ve had some alone time, unusual here in the hostel, to think and I’ve come to some conclusions. I have no idea why, but it seems that I do better with strangers than I do with people that I have to have a relationship with. I suppose it’s because I’ve always been locked inside of my head and afraid of relationships because then people really get to know who you are. With strangers they don’t have the opportunity to really get to know you. I’ve also been on the run most of my life. I remember several times as a child I tried to run away from home and I’ve been on the run ever since. However, one cannot run away from what is on the inside. What’s on the inside is always with me. Perhaps it’s knowing that as a child I wasn’t wanted by either parent, didn’t feel accepted, wasn’t understood, or from any number of odd events in my life, but all I know is that I haven’t accepted myself so how can I expect others to accept me.
I suppose running from myself hasn’t accomplished much except cause trouble. I’ve left a path of destruction and heartaches. My life has been an adventure and I’m sure it will continue because I’m on a new adventure. Before I left Austin I couldn’t even think, let alone be around anyone or do anything. Now that I’m in Costa Rica I’m realizing that I haven’t changed and the idea of having hopes is something I shall give up because there is no hope. The reality is that I can live out my days traveling and meeting strangers and I might even find a place I enjoy living, not to mention learn a new language. I give up the hope of ever having a relationship, of having any dreams, and of ever thinking that I can have the things I have long desired.
Having lived a life in my dreams, I’m now living one of them, which is to travel. Perhaps in time I might find who I am and learn to accept myself. For now I’m going to concentrate on just learning a new language. I will continue to stay here in San Jose through the end of the month and then I’m taking the Tica Bus to Guatemala. I’ve found, through the help of other travelers, a school there that is very reasonable. I wish I would have known about it before going to the school here in San Jose. The school is in San Pedro la Laguna and has private lessons for $65 US per week or $120 US per week if I stay with a host family. The school - Escuela de Español Corazon Maya - has activities in the afternoon for the students that range from Spanish conversations, art lessons, local culture education, seminars, and much more. The town is very small and from what I understand the longer you’re there the more of a native you become. For the price I paid here I could have paid for one month of classes there. Thus, I’m leaving Costa Rica and heading North. The idea is to live there for a month and learn Spanish to a point that I am fluent enough to be comfortable traveling through the other Central American countries and later on through South America.
