Over the last 3 and a half months I've been traveling throughout Central America and haven't had much chance of being by myself, mostly because of sleeping in Hostel dorm rooms, traveling in over-crowded local transports, and in general just because the nature of backpacking doesn't really allow one to be alone. Although I have found a few times to be alone, they have been few and far between. My best friend recently asked how my mental health was doing and I replied that it was doing good because I haven't been able to be alone so that my mind could wonder off into those wilds of the imagination of which I am accustomed to doing. But, there is one thing. It seems I'm always in my own fantasy world, even amongst a group of people.
Over the last few days, while I've been relaxing before my return to Texas, I've been able to be truly alone. I've noticed my energy level drop, a slight depression return, and a sense of forlorn developing. Even though I'm learning to travel on very little money, I'm always a bit nervous about how far the money will stretch and what will happen if I get stuck somewhere along the way without funds. Thus this very thought keeps me active in my control of money and doesn't allow for over spending. Even how I have set my intentions to travel again are based upon the cheapest possible travel through Mexico.
The one thing I've realized over the last while is that even though I may feel alone, I'm not really. I have some great friends and family who care a lot about me and when I get a chance I've been trying to connect with them as best as possible. Maybe venturing into the unknown back in Austin has me a bit nervous because I left there in an almost mental breakdown, which I know caused great stress upon all of my relationships. I cannot ever even try to explain what happened to me before I left, but even when I tried I couldn't find a way to communicate with anyone. It was as if I was locked inside my own head, not able to feel, to talk, to do anything.
Traveling has helped bring me out of that breakdown, but now the nervousness of a return has come about. The best thing about returning now is that I hope to get to see my best friend when I start traveling through Mexico for a bit. I've learned a lot along the way down here, the most important is the value of friendships, which aren't easily gained and even harder to maintain, but I'm assured are worth the trouble of maintaining. For true friends are those that don't have to fully understand, but still stick by you when things might not be going so well.
I know I haven't always been a good friend to people, but these days I'm trying and I hope that counts for something. Here's a special Valentine's Day note to all of my friends:
Thank you for being my friends, even my family, as I count you all my family, whether born to it or by becoming part of it by choice. I hope that at best I've been able to add some color into your lives, along with warmth, intelligent or youthful conversations, and a love of which I really do have for each of you. Thus, I send you all blessings of great love in relationships, in your families, and in your friendships! Happy Valentine's Day!
