Children only see from their perspective, that limited view point of innocence, what the events around them mean. To them it seems that things are right or wrong and not much gray. I’ve read that children have various stages that they grow through. As a child one perceives the events around them as relative to whom they are and what they have done. I remember some events of my childhood, now as an adult, but as seen through my child’s eye. I understand more the decisions my parents made now. I understand some of their struggles of love, relationships, work, and family. I realize that they have worked through many situations that back then I only had limited sight of the details. I just saw some of it and then made decisions based upon that limited insight, most of them that lead to ideas of who I was and were I belonged.
Lately I’ve been reviewing my life and wondering what events lead to the destruction of my once loving family. I now see it wasn’t just one event, but a life long series of them. My mother fell in love with a man, that man married her because he didn’t want to be poor anymore and not for love. That same man was always fulfilling his desires of the flesh with various other women. I have no idea of the effects that had upon my mother, but I’m sure it wasn’t easy to live her life. I’m sure it wasn’t easy trying to rear three very different children, hold a job to support them, and to try to find love. I know that’s why when she remarried she chose the person she did. I think she was trying to find the love she felt for my father. I think I understand her desire to feel loved.
I see now the string of events that lead to my family’s demise. I miss the fun times we all had singing as my mother played the piano, spending days water skiing at the lake, the family vacations in Arkansas, the family gatherings, the holiday festivities, and mostly the feeling that everyone was loved and accepted, of being part of a family. I wonder why my family had grown apart and cannot find their ways past all of the pain and hurt to again embrace each other. Perhaps there is a point that one reaches that cannot allow one to forgive. Perhaps there is a point where one can no longer deal with pain. Perhaps there is a point where one just gives up and then seeks to find a way to leave everything behind.
I wonder what my life would be like today if things had been different, but I cannot change the past, only find ways of accepting it, forgiving, and moving forward into the unknown. But moving forward means being abler to accept the past without prejudice of those involved in creating the past. How does one move forward without being able to accept the past? Can one accept the past with all of the wrong decisions, the hurts and pain, and the regrets of youth? I suppose only time will tell. There are times that I think I have accepted something only to find that it still has a strong hold on my decisions now. I’ve reached a point that hurt and pain are too much to handle anymore so I create safe relationships, safe harbor in my apartment away from the world, and live my life own my own now. Yes, being alone does have its drawbacks but it’s safe. No one to pass judgment upon you. No one to cause any pain. No one to hurt.
I live alone in a small sparsely furnished apartment with limited means, but I’m learning to find peace. One doesn’t have to have possessions and riches to have happiness, and maybe that’s the point I’ve missed all along. I’ve tried to hard to have what society says we should possess. Perhaps it is finding out what we need and what makes our hearts sing is important, not what others think we need. So for now I’m learning how to do without, to be alone, and to just accept life as it is without changing it. Maybe there will be something in this life that I can pass on to others. What it is I’m not sure just yet, but I know that I’ll find out one day.
