“The polarization of Fear is still rising, and if we are to resolve it and move on, each of us must participate personally. We must watch our thoughts and expectations very carefully, and catch ourselves every time we treat another human being as an enemy. We can defend ourselves, and restrain certain people, but if we dehumanize them, we add to the Fear.” Quote from The Tenth Insight by James Redfield
Fear is something I have become painfully aware of for it has been ruling my actions for some time. Fear of what others might think of me, fear of things I have done in the past that control my thoughts of self, fear of what the future holds in store, fear of what I have perceived society becoming, fear about health concerns, fear about being able to satisfy clients, fear of loosing myself, and fear of what I have been becoming. I’ve been reading The Tenth Insight and the subject matter is all about learning to overcome the Fear and to learn to live in love, knowing we are awakening into a new spiritual world. I’d lost my sight for a while, thus not writing much of late.
I realized that I lost my sight because instead of standing up for something I believed was right, I left the situation. That was the key moment. I realized that perhaps I stayed in a place on my travels a bit too long, even after the horses had appeared telling me that it was time to be free. (see comments at end about the horse totem.) Instead I stayed, only to be faced with the fact that things weren’t as they appeared, but rather was surrounded by lies and deceit. I should have stood up and expressed my thoughts about the situation, but didn’t. It’s too late now, so I will have to believe that I can overcome the self-degradation that I’ve been putting myself through because of my own actions.
After reviewing my life over the last few months, I’ve realized that fear was the key factor surrounding many things in my life. Thus, to overcome the fears I’m going to do a confession of sorts. First, lets start with an event that has haunted me for years. I had been working for a wonderful man who had taken me into a very special inner circle of the Washington DC “A” list. Because of fears surrounding my finances, I slowly started paying some of my bills from the company funds. Over time I realized that I was in too deep and couldn’t do as I had planned of putting the funds back in the accounts. It took me some time to confess, but only after I had left and ruined a perfect life. This special man could have put me in jail for years, but instead did something unexpected, he forgave me, and the debt. The fact that I did that act was enough to trouble my mind ever since. I couldn’t forgive myself. Up until that moment I had been creating a life of respect and honor, and that one act began a spiral into the darkness that I hope can end. Yes, I’ve embezzled, stole, lied, cheated, and betrayed, not just that special man, but on many other occasions. I have made amends for most of it, but just the fear of what I had done becoming public was enough to cause great depressions. The fear that I could not forgive myself was even greater. However, I’m learning that I have the power to overcome the fear of the past, even the future, by becoming true to myself and empowering myself again with the virtues I had held. I believe that the power of love is enough to help me overcome that fear. I have the power to forgive myself for what I’ve done in the past, and the power to face the future on new terms.
I know that I have hurt a lot of people in the past, mostly because I was afraid of being hurt. I’ve left places out of fear, ran away because of fear, and that has led to a life of interesting proportions. Even of late I’d been running away because of fear, running away into my own private little world so I wouldn’t be hurt anymore, and wouldn’t hurt anyone else. The fear was overwhelming. The good news is that I’m going to work through all of the fear so I can live again. I’ve lived too long in fear. I do not know how all of this will play out, but I’m ready to work through it now so I can find the peace of mind, the strength of will to be able to find myself again. That little boy I see all the time who was very sensitive, caring, adventurous, in tuned to the rhythms of the earth, who often took time to enjoy the beauty of nature and animals, and who enjoyed life even though he felt that he didn’t belong and wasn’t wanted.
It’s taken me some time to rediscover that little boy so he can grow up into the man that I met last year in St. Louis. It seems fear has caused a lot of changes in my life, but as I’ve reviewed my life, it was love that freed me; and will free me now. I’m nervous about opening my heart again, but I know that only by doing so can I experience love in its many forms – romance, friends, and self respect. Perhaps by loving myself, forgiving myself, and learning to open myself again I will experience a new chapter in my life. Hopefully a chapter that will cause many wonderful stories that I can write about and share here. Stories that can inspire, intrigue and hopefully help others overcome the fears that rule their lives.
“We are all souls in growth, we all have an original intention that is positive; and we can all remember. Our responsibility is to hold that idea for everyone we meet. That’s the true Interpersonal Ethic; that’s how we uplift, that’s the contagion of the new awareness that is encircling the planet. We either fear that human culture is falling apart, or we can hold the Vision that we are awakening. Either way, our expectation is a prayer that goes out as a force that tends to bring about the end we envision. Each of us must consciously choose between these two futures.” Quote from The Tenth Insight by James Redfield
Yes, I’m guilty. I’ve dehumanized many people in the past, through fear, through manipulation and much more in order to prove something to myself, perhaps that I was better or right. But that only left me feeling worse about myself. Through the reviewing process of my life I found that there were times when I treated people with respect and love. During those special times I had good friends, good jobs, and a good life. Of late I’d been fearing that our culture was falling apart, so was I because of the fear. I’ve realized that if I only see the bad, comment on the worse, and live my life in fear then that is what will happen. The new experiment begins, that of living my life in love, working to see the good in things, to see the worth in others, and to find a good life again. Perhaps if we all could take some time to review our lives we might find the truth in who we really are and find our way through the maze into a new world of love, acceptance, and peace.
