Dreams are things that help us understand our lives, what we are thinking, and help us know where to go. The other night I dreamed of being in a new truck, one of those little ones, but I didn’t own it. The owner was there with me and I pulled the truck up to load it up with things sitting on the side of the road. As I put on the brakes to hold the truck, even the emergency break, I noticed that the truck was rolling backwards, the breaks not holding. In a panic I screamed that I couldn’t stop it, but the owner just calmly smiled and said, ‘that’s OK, just go with it.’ The truck kept going backwards and along the way people, strangers, began to help by calling out to others on the street that I didn’t have breaks. Then as I closed in on the bottom of the hill there was a man who told me to hold on and turn the truck so it would go in circles. I did as he said and the truck began to slow in a cumbersome circle. I woke up there, but the thoughts of the dream made me think of my current situation.
I volunteered myself to help a friend, who needed someone to stay in a house he owns. Coming back to Austin, which was required to fulfill the offer to help, now has my mind in a twirl. I’m alone out here, something that I have become accustomed to of late, but here it’s different. It’s not like being alone in Central America where I can easily travel around, but here it’s different. The universe saw fit to provide a $100 bill when cleaning the house, which was used to purchase a bicycle. Things here are so far away that just getting food is hard, even with the bike.
Sleep hasn’t been easy here for fear of who else might have a key to access the home because it’s been kept unlocked for so long, and then there is the case of the mysterious foot prints in the mud by the window that didn’t exist the day before. I slept in the closet for several nights, as it was the only place that felt secure. Now I’m sleeping upstairs in one of the bedrooms on the floor. I have nothing here other than some clothes and my laptop. Being here is difficult for me as I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing. I cannot keep living here as it is without furniture, towels, or anything. I have a desire to rent some furniture, but then why, is it helping anything. Yes, it would give me a better security and comfort in a hard situation.
Being alone does allow much time to think, but I suppose I don’t want to think so I am always trying to find something to do. Moving rocks, pulling grass, cleaning the pool, and more such things keep me occupied so I don’t have to think. Perhaps that is why I so enjoy my adventure of travel in Central America – I didn’t have to think, just be and do each day as I felt. But then again, I’m here in Austin and facing all of the pain I have caused to others before my departure. I’ve never felt such alones as I do now. I feel abandoned, scared, unsure, and even fearful. I have no idea of what I’m supposed to be doing or why I am here. Maybe it’s for the best to be here, alone, without, and thoughtless.
Causing pain in others isn’t something I intend to do, but seem to do it constantly. Perhaps that is the reason I withdraw so much from others, the fear of hurting them causes such mental turmoil and anguish that I cannot bear it. I’m faced with the knowledge of such pains caused to others, but not sure of what to do to correct it. Who knows what will happen over the next few months, but this I do know, I’m here alone, very stressed, and feeling the urge to ‘run’, or as the person first mentioned said, ‘flee and leave it all behind.’ Yes, I flee, I run, I don’t want any connections, but deep within there is that child that cries out for help, for someone to grab me up and let me know I’m safe, I’m loved, and I have value.
