I haven’t been writing of late, however, I’ve been writing in my mind. It seems I awaken each morning or go to sleep with thoughts racing through my mind and I begin to write about them as they do so I can keep track of them. It’s only every now and then that I actually stop to write them on paper (well, sit at the computer and type them.). There have been many things going through my mind and I guess I needed some time to work through them before I could talk about them.
I’ve been in Louisiana for 5 months now and have done all that I can do for now to assist my sister and her family. It’s time for them to see if they can continue to make the changes required in their thinking so it will change the way they live, and the only way for those lessons to be brought about is with me gone. The other day I was talking with a client in Austin and I compared it to raising a child. You see, I’m sure those of you who are parents will understand this, there is a general rule for rearing children. As a parent you teach them the things they will need to know in life then you have to let them go live life without you. Through this letting go they learn, they recall the things you have taught them, and they learn more in order to grow and be able to follow the their individual paths. It might cause great pain to watch as those you care about falter, but it also causes great joy when they succeed.
As I’ve been studying the I Ching I’ve learned that through letting go people have the opportunity to learn through the experience of living. It will soon be time for me to let go of my family, but only by me not being here physically. I’ll always believe in them and their ability to achieve greatness by following their paths and I’ll support them all that I can when asked. The things I’ve been learning through this experience is that I can be reticent, modest, and humble. I respect these attributes in others and am now learning their importance in my life. I’ve also learned that I have to stay true to myself no matter what the circumstance or who is present, not to mention that I have a path to follow of my own. Thus, I have set my intentions towards relocating back to the Austin area sometime around October. It may not actually be Austin, but I will believe in the power of the Creative to show me where I’m to be then. I know that the doors will be opened and the path shown when it is time.
I know I won’t be able to get an apartment because of Roadie, however, I’ll look into renting a house with a yard for him to play in. I might have to look into having roommates also, but I believe that might be nice these days to have some people around. I wouldn’t mind just me, Roadie and a lover. I’m 44 now and I am realizing that I am capable of a loving relationship. I grew up in a skewed aspect of love and have realized that the kind of relationships that my family has presented wasn’t a good kind of love. Everyone from time past in my family have been married to people who didn’t really love them, or if they did they didn’t show it. Everyone had affairs or tried to control their partners. By realizing this aspect of my learning about love through watching my family, I’ve learned that I don’t desire such a relationship. I desire a loving, committed relationship where each partner is encouraged to be true to themselves and follow their own path, having their own space, and where we can enjoy each other as individuals.
By moving back to Austin I hope I will be back in an area where I will have the opportunity to meet other gay men, to date, and maybe find that long elusive special someone. By moving back to Austin I will have more financial freedom because my expenses will be less than they are here and I won’t be spending the money to travel back and forth. I might even be able to find a part time job and be able to keep working with my clients. The world seems open to me now, so I will believe in the power of the Creative, the Higher Power, the Sage, God, or however you choose to call it to bring things about. For now, I’m just going to continue to learn to be true to myself, wait patiently, and learn as much as I can.
Thought for now: Are you able to let go, to disengage, and to allow others that you love to learn their lessons of life on their own or do you try to prevent them from having hardships? The I Ching teaches that to really learn the lessons we have to live it, even it if means we fail, but failure isn’t bad. We should look at failure as a learning experience and realize that through such an experience we grow to become the people we are meant to be. So let go when the time is right and allow those you love to learn on their own, even if it means they fail, but don’t worry about them, because they will learn and grow. But it’s important not to give up on them by not seeing any changes in them, or cutting them off completely. We should always believe in their ability to allow their Higher Self to rule their lives, and in the Higher Power’s ability to bring things about.
