Realizing that over the years I haven't always been one to stick with anything for very long - boyfriends, jobs, businesses, family, homes, etc. - I hadn't known the truth of what my friends believed about me. I know I've moved a lot, quit jobs, left lovers, and got rid of businesses I owned all because I wanted freedom, but does this mean that when I take on a new project that my friends cannot support me. It seems that way lately, because when I talk about my current project they all seem to just give me lip service, not genuine support. I've been keeping it all inside until today when my sister sent me an email.
Most people have never understood who I am, some never tried, and yet, can I blame them when there have been times in my life that I didn't understand what my motivations were. During my 5 months of backpacking through Central America something changed in me, or was it that I rediscovered the strengths I had when younger but that had been lost because of so many perceived failures. Whatever it was, I'm now at a point in my life where I really know myself, am willing to stand up and do something again, to open up to new friendships, and to a point where I've accepted the person I am, including all of the negative (or perceived negative) aspects of my life.
Few, if any, have ever seen the many nights of tears, the long sleepless nights questioning my very existence, or known the troubles of my mind as I have sorted through my life. I'll admit, I haven't tried very hard to let anyone know about my struggles, and would only tell people, "I don't think you could handle being inside my head for a moment as it might make you go insane." I've always internalized everything in my life, and kept my fears from everyone, fears, hurts, pains, etc. Now, I'm ready to open my life and try to let people see what really goes on inside my head, my heart, and know the real me. However, are they ready? Are they true friends or not? Can they see past whatever conceived ideas they might have about me to discover the changes in my life now?
I'm not sure where my life is leading me these days. I have never wanted to extend my life, as I haven't liked it on many occasions throughout the years, but now I am talking with my doctor about taking HIV medications, seeking ways of improving my health, working on mending broken family ties, trying to be a concerned and honest friend, and I'm actually wanting to live. I know this thought doesn't resonate with my friends or family that have been through my life with me, however, rediscovering myself has brought about such changes in my life and how I think about myself that I'm ready to move forward into that vast unknown, not with dread of the past, but with a hope for what might be in the future.
I haven't thought very highly of myself over the last many years since I left Louisiana, because I know I wasn't following a true path, instead I was avoiding my issues by indulging in the dark side of sensual pleasures, doing drugs, and feeling sorry for myself. Even when I left Austin to go to Central America I had shut down and couldn't function, I had given up completely, ready to end it all. I couldn't find a way to forgive myself for years of neglect, pain, and avoidance. I came alive while backpacking, realized that I had the ability to do anything, learned to be open about who I was, and returned to the states a different man. At least within my own thoughts and beliefs I've changed or returned to a true path, however, others cannot see that yet.
I suppose when those that are closest to you can only see the image that has been created over the years, then it may be difficult for them to see, or accept, that there could be an altered image now. I cannot fully express the tears that fell today when I tried to talk to my best friend about the new project, and how it has been achieving something that I know is far beyond me, and seeking his advice and support, instead only receiving what I felt like was lip service. He's been my best friend for a long time now, but lately I've noticed more and more changes in our relationship, discovered what his real thoughts are about me, and have begun to question the status of our relationship. I get to see him on Wednesday and will find the words to speak with him about how I felt today.
The child within has grown up, perhaps not to full adult age, but he has grown. That lonesome, fearful, hurt, and ashamed child now seeks acceptance, forgiveness and love in a world that now seems foreign, uncertain, and challenging. Through working on the new project I've grown as well, right along with that inner child, holding hands together, and finding assurance within each other. I'm afraid, nervous, and unsure of where this new project will take me, however, I do know it's something that I cannot escape or run from at this point. It has become the one guiding factor for my existence now, that driving force, and something that isn't about me.
I've been brought to tears a lot of late, tears of joy, of amazement, of loneliness, of personal skepticism, and of fear. Other people are getting to know the person they see working on the project, that creative mind (as I've been known to be called), and they have shown such compassion, encouragement and support to rival anything I have known before. I'm sure it's the project itself and not me that draws their support, but maybe they see something deeper within myself that is only now finding it's own voice and place in the world. Whatever it is, the project or my own energy, I'm thankful for the love.
Daily doubting my own abilities and talents, I've begun to work harder to be true to myself, to speak my concerns, and to be open with people. I know I may not be the person who can carry this new project forward into the acclaim it has been receiving, but I know that I can find the people who can help it achieve it's calling. I'm going along for the ride, enjoying every minute of the refreshing atmosphere, to see where all of this will lead. Who's along for the ride with me? Who cares enough to see into the heart of a man that has long lived in fear and pain?
Welcome to my world, now you've seen what goes on inside my head all of the time, and I've only shown a portion of it here. But if anyone wants to get involved in helping me to take my project to it's next level, then please visit my project's website: www.theHIVconversation.com. Hopefully through this project we all might discover our true selves and learn to laugh, share and live openly.
