A Feeling of Peace

A feeling of peace surrounded my dreams, so I awoke feeling much better today; which was a welcomed aspect compared to the last few days of depression. But I suppose I owed myself the right to feel loss, loss of the people called family, loss of all of my earthly possessions, loss of my beautiful gardens, and loss of my home. The dreams of last night I cannot now recall, however, the feeling that a presence in them told me it was all OK put my mind and body at rest. Excitement is starting to build as I prepare for my new bus adventure around the United States and into Canada. I’ve always wanted to visit Canada, so that is where I’m heading first, especially the Yukon Territories.

For the last four days I‘ve been in pain with my foot, the same foot that had been injured in a fire recently, so I suppose there is some nerve damage now, but I don‘t care to visit a doctor. There are other signs of declining health, so I live with them. So many people seem to treasure life, but that is where I‘m different. I‘m not particularly, and really never have been, fond of this physical existence. I remember as a child walking through the woods looking up and saying, I‘m not supposed to be here. Now as I am older, I ponder the question if this reincarnation was a mistake or if as a child I understood something about how difficult this lifetime would be and didn‘t want to experience it; however, for what it is worth, the experiences gained here have taught me something about letting go, to learn to trust my instincts, to follow my heart, and to live the way I see fit, not doing what others say I should. As when I follow my heart I find peace and excitement, a feeling of joy about the way I live.

Most who know me already say I‘m a bit off, but I take that as a compliment, for being different these days means a lot in a world of so many who all strive to be alike. Being free of restraints provides me the feeling of freedom for being able to live in the moment and decide each second of time what it is I shall do. Perhaps in a previous life I was a nomad, as being on the move seems to be something innate. From a restless mind to a restless body, it seems being in motion is what keeps me going. I think I need the excitement of meeting new people, of experiencing everything I can. I realize that this may be my last adventure, as my health prevents me from doing much and I struggle to move most days, but I keep going. Come what may, I’m ready either way - to continue living this life or to return to the collective Universal consciousness. For now I prepare for the upcoming adventure.

The Adventure Begins

The adventure started as a means to escape a toxic environment where I was surrounded by people who I should never have been around. Yes, they were the people that most would call family, however, after many years I have come to the conclusion that just because we may be born into a group of people doesn’t mean that we have to remain connected with those same people, especially when there are great differences. I left behind everything, only taking what clothes fit into a backpack. In other countries there are many ways of getting around, however, here in the United States, there are limited options for those without a car. I found that most people in very rural areas have no way of getting into the larger cities nearby; and with the smaller communities failing, it makes it harder for the people to obtain needed services and provisions. I may write later about how I feel about the bad laws and viewpoints of society which limit the lower income, but for now I want to talk about the beginning of the adventure.

Some years ago I experienced many bad things while riding on a Greyhound bus, but after much work I achieved some compensation for my horrible experience. The people at Greyhound promised they would work to improve how things operated, so now I’m going to find out. The adventure began in Shreveport, Louisiana. I’m going to write about my thoughts, experiences and provide creative ideas on how Greyhound could improve both their image and their operations. At some point I hope that the people in Greyhound will learn about and sincerely read this Blog, and hopefully find ways to alter any of the negative aspects found along the adventure.

In Shreveport at 5:30 AM there was a gentleman cleaning up behind the counter. He didn’t notice me walking up to the counter and disappeared for a short moment. Upon his return he greeted me and asked how he could help. I asked how much a ticket to Austin was and he provided the answer. After retrieving the money from an ATM I returned to purchase my ticket. He didn’t ask for identification, only my name as he typed it into the computer. I placed my large bag onto the luggage area as he placed a ticket of some sort onto it. After he provided me my ticket I turned to walk away believing my bag would be taken and then placed on the bus; however, he quickly informed me that I had to take my bag. He never asked if I wanted the travel insurance that Greyhound offers for luggage, and at the moment I had forgotten about it so I didn’t ask. This was one of the points that I had hoped that Greyhound would improve upon, that of informing their customers about the available insurance. The gentleman behind the counter performed his job but lacked any enthusiasm. The next few hours at the bus station proved harsh. The seating in the terminal wasn’t comfortable, there was no place to store my large bag (which meant I had to lug it around with me), the station’s paint was peeling in places and overall wasn’t very clean. The only bright moment was when I purchased a soda and biscuit at the small eatery. The girls were very friendly and helpful. They knew what products they had to offer and the prices. I chatted with the three women while I sat there until a bus arrived and others began to demand their time.

When they began to announce what bus was about to board I was always confused. They would announce the bus number. I wasn’t sure why the bus number was so important, as most people didn’t know what bus number they wanted, they only needed to hear what cities the bus was going to. So perhaps instead of announcing “bus 45732 is now boarding”, they should say, “The bus for Dallas with stops and connections in …. (name the other towns where the bus would stop) … is now boarding.” I finally heard one announcer say the bus for Dallas so I grabbed up my bags and headed out to the bus. I handed off my large bag to a worker who threw it into the storage area. The bus driver took my ticket and thankfully I found a seat without anyone sitting next to me. I curled up and slept. The temperature on the bus was cool and comfortable. Although the trip to Dallas was long, I knew it would be because of the many stops the bus made along the way, I was able to rest.

Upon arrival in Dallas I had to search for my large bag and when I saw it I was able to just pick it up and walk away without anyone verifying that the bag belonged to me. This was another point that I had asked Greyhound to improve, as the current system allowed for just anyone to pick up a bag and walk away with it, which means that if I didn’t get to my bag quickly then it could have walked off with someone else. Perhaps having the luggage handlers check tickets would prevent baggage from being stolen. But then again there might be other better ways of handling baggage. Any ideas?

Tears and Changes

Tears stream, thoughts swirl, and things change as I sit here contemplating the present, past, and future. Although there are physical changes are happening, there are spiritual ones that reach past this physical being and into that of the Universal Consciousness causing life altering and far reaching alterations, not only for myself, but for those involved in my life. Last night the tears rolled as I began reading “Shambhala, The Scared Path of the Warrior” by Chogyam Trungpa. Many years ago I enjoyed a relationship with a man who followed the Shambhala teachings and I was in awe of the way he lived his life. So now I choose to alter the old ways and thoughts and begin following a new path of excellence. Meditation, reading, learning, growing, changing, reaching and becoming something more than myself is required. Perhaps knowing that positive changes are happening should allow for the enjoyment and celebration of the old as it dies. This is the way of the universe, the circle of life, a beginning and an ending of all things.

Recently someone said that I rushed through things, but I didn’t agree with that statement. Another friend clarified it for me by saying that I didn’t fully enjoy the journey and I was always moving onto the next thing before what was happening presently was finished. I realize they are correct, that I haven’t been fully enjoying the present. Thus, it is time to begin to enjoy each moment as it is without thought of what is to come next. Perhaps learning to live more fully in the moment will allow a greater enjoyment of life; which I can only hope for.

At the moment there are things happening in the universe which I will have to take note of and keep in mind while I await their revealing for my life. Perhaps that is what the tears are about, knowing that something greater than I have known is happening. Let the tears roll, let the changes happen, let the enjoyment of life begin, but now completely as Sebastian Barrett St.Troy.

The gifted Child

Sensitive, emotional, tender, and alone was the remarkable child from ages past, struggling to find a path through the darkness of life. Brought into this existence through turmoil and pain, both his own and that of those he would call parents. His birth would cause the paths of others to alter, first by his birth and later by the gifts he gives now of his talents. Never feeling that he was part of this world and always questioning why he was here, yet always knowing he lived to bring knowledge into the universal consciousness. There was always the strongest of desires to bring beauty into the world, to create environments around him that brought joy to those who visited.

By accident, or was it destiny, he was placed into various roles, although he never sought them. From being selected as one of the High Schools best art students, receiving special honors; to becoming a leader in the Air Force, elected worldwide to create the set designs for the Bob Hope television special with the Air Force in 1987; and other notable, yet seemingly insignificant roles as Christian leader, business owner, and an inspiration and friend to many, he always seemed different from others and couldn’t find a place or people he could call his own. Wondering through life, always feeling alone, he made his marks upon places and people. Curious to find some connection with others, to discover a way to belong with humanity, and all the while knowing he wasn’t part of what existed currently. There was always the knowledge of another time and place in his heart and mind, which kept him apart from this existence. The roaring 20’s, the time of Kings and magic, the slower pace of a time without technology, and a time yet to be known by others of a future where religion didn’t exist and humanity finally discovered the connectedness with all other living things, including the earth.

Laughter ruled, along with strong visual emotions, and a desire to learn (that ever curious nature to test his hands at anything, just to say he tried it) measured the earlier years. Awkwardness, doubt, and fear governed the beginning years. Friendships reigned during the middle years as other worldly child began to fit into the mainstream of society. With a flair and difference that set him apart, weighted by mistakes of the past, he walked alone and into the darkness that ruled the last years. This ever so bright, gifted and remarkable child grew into the depressed, desensitized and untrusting man of today. It is that man that sits alone in the darkness listening to the sounds of the chimes and writes, hoping to reconnect with that lost child of times so seemingly long ago, almost forgotten. Now longing for the departure from this painful existence, he ponders where that loving child has gone. Have the ravages of time, disappointment, and pain caused such an alteration?

Only now has he begun to remember, remembrance usually only through tears of people, places, and things of the past. Remembering the pain inflicted by others, which caused the child to change, along with the heartbreak caused by selfish acts darkened the brightly colored world. The man of today lives alone within his own creative mind, always escaping into the worlds he designs in order to find the joy of being. With every passing day he retreats finding it harder to feel apart of those around him, all the while desiring to be connected. He awakens every morning questioning why he was not allowed to alter his state of being from physical to pure energy, and this only after sleepless evenings. Complimented by others only deepens the rift between being connected and feeling further distanced. Through the darkness some light still shines, but only when rediscovered by retreating into his imaginary world.

The child of yesterday that held so much promise has faded, yet still reaches for more as the man of today longs for release. Release from the personally assigned chains of being so different, from the unforgiving self of past wrongs, and from the increasing difficulties of the present. Will he be remembered and for what? Perhaps that child followed the path in order to discover something, to learn. Now, only perceived time passes while the man of today awaits to be rejoined with the universal consciousness he always felt part of. Please remember him, not for the darkness that currently overwhelms, but for the loving, tender child with a gift for humanity, that gift of creativity and beauty. Forgive him for the mistakes of the past as he struggles to forgive himself.

Excitement and a zest for enjoying life marked most of the child’s life as he experienced everything he could, learning, growing and eventually releasing the constraining ideology of religion and embracing the love and acceptance of the universal consciousness, which freed him from old ways and brought him into new levels of awareness. Assisting people find ways to alter their environments; he passed the days of the last years. Now, he designs buildings through 3D models, gifting them to others on the web. You see, this child isn’t a stranger, he is me.

The Death of a Dream.

Dream – noun
1. a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep.
2. the sleeping state in which this occurs.
3. an object seen in a dream.
4. an involuntary vision occurring to a person when awake.
5. a vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie.
6. an aspiration; goal; aim:
7. a wild or vain fancy.
8. something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence.

Dreaming has been a part of what makes me who I am. When things were bad in life, I would dream. When things were great in life, I would dream bigger. Some might call it fantasy, but for me it’s dreaming. There are many types of people in the world, and I’m one of the dreamers. Dreaming has the potential for beautiful creations, inspiring others, and the ability to take a person into the darkest depths of despair, at least when the dreaming cannot continue.

My creativity is derived from my dreaming of how things can be, or at least how I believe they should be. Wishing harm to others has never been part of the dreaming, only a strong desire to see people accepting each other, believing in something more than themselves, and hoping that life would find a way to achieve some sense of harmony. Lately the dreams are dying, even the desire to dream has faded.

There once was a family that had a lot of fun together, yes, there were plenty of bad moments; however, overall the family seemed to love and care for each other. That is until one fateful day when things changed. Ever since the bomb of my mother’s marriage to my first cousin (a man not related to her, but younger than my older brother) went off, the family has never been able to find a way to overcome all of the problems that the situation caused. Things progressively moved from bad to horrendous. Now, after multiple attempt of reconciliation, the dream of a family has ended; that is at least for me.

I cannot endure the pain and the trouble of hypocritical people that say they are Christians, yet have no understanding of the principles taught by just the mere acknowledging “I am a Christian” means. There are many reasons I left the Baptist church and tossed Christianity away as some misguided attempt of someone to control the masses and as a plaque upon the world; however, when I see those that proclaim daily, “Thank you, Jesus!,” “Bless God!” and many other such sayings living a life so distant from what their words proclaim. Some may wonder why I appear to be so against a religion that so many believe so strongly about, that is easy, they are blind and when asked to explain what it is they believe they have no real answer, only something that has been taught to them without an understanding of what it is they say they believe in. Besides, only Christianity has actively destroyed cultures, civilizations, and sought to rid of the world of anything that, at least according to their bible, wasn’t correct. Yet, if only they really understood their bible and what it taught, then they would understand they have all been wrong; mainly because they haven’t lived what it teaches.

The time is over for chances to reconcile, now is the time to move forward and let those of the past remain in the past. The name change that was put off for so long is the new dream, as there is no desire to ever be called by the same name of the women who used to be called mother. The new name, one I’ve used legally for years, will now be the only name; the family name forgotten. Now the time for personal healing is to begin with the release of what caused so much pain.

The dream has died, along with so many others associated with it. The death of this dream might just be the death of it all, as there is no desire to keep going, only the desire for it all to end. There isn’t even the desire to try traveling again. It seems that the death of one dream has made the rest of them disappear forever. Even the idea, that anyone other than my father, might benefit from all of the things I have paid for, worked for, or have enjoyed causes such anger that I fear what a Bi-polar depression might bring about. Only the thoughts of how to remove everything from here, even if it means that at some point it all just goes away. I would prefer to see a stranger benefit than anyone of my family.

Some might see the anger and suggest that I resolve it, however, I believe I shall retain the anger, as for now it is what is giving me the strength and encouragement to do the things that are required now. Beginning with determining where I am going to live, that is if I don’t just pack it all in and set off again to travel. For now, only the mourning for a dream, that shouldn’t have been allowed to exist, dies. Something, that perhaps may be the death of everything.

The Place I call HOME

From as far back as I can remember I have always held one place deeply in my heart, the farm that my grandparents owned. It was where I spent my summers and vacations riding my horses; raising my water fowl, chickens and dogs; spent time with my grandmother gardening; and where I always came when I needed to think and recover from the harsh unrealistic world outside.

From the age of 15 I lived here with my grandmother, because my mother married my first cousin on my father's side of the family. After many struggles I left my mother's home and greatly enjoyed living here on the farm. It is very peaceful here, quit, and used to be full of magic; that is until my mother who stole the farm from my grandmother had the property clear cut, which sent the magic away. Over the last 15 years my mother has allowed her husband to destroy the beauty and magic of this place, much to my dismay.

I would have lived here most of my life, however, my mother moved here after stealing it from grandmother and neither grandmother or myself wanted to live here with her and her husband. My mind wonders what my life would have been like if I could have lived here peacefully over the years and what differences there would have been.

Now, while I was in Austin working, my father called me to ask if I knew what my mother was doing. I didn't have any idea, but quickly learned from him that my mother had listed the farm for sale. Yes, I did call her immediately, very angry. Being angry means that you actually love something and have a passion for it. After trying calmly to inquire what she was doing, the anger jumped into full force. From this moment forward I have no mother, as she hasn't been my real mother for over 20 years now, ever since she married "it" - that's what I call him, her husband, because he is a real piece of shit.

Upon my return to Louisiana, I quickly filed a lien against the property and am now filing a lawsuit against her to save the family farm. As I look out my cabin window onto the peaceful waters of the pond, across into the new regrowing forest, I find it impossible to believe that one day another person could own what I see beyond the pond.

Last Friday, when the light of the full moon shown through the darkness of the clouds, at the stroke of midnight, I walked to the black top road where our gravel road begins and cast a protective spell for the family farm. A line from sacred salt was placed across the driveway and to each of the corner posts of the property. While placing the protective salt line I asked the spirits to protect the farm from any person outside of the family from coming onto the property for the purpose of buying it, to save the one place I call home. After this was accomplished I cast another spell to have my mother's husband removed from the property forever.

Over the last few days I have searched my soul to see why I care so much about this place, if I should try to save it (a promise I made to my grandmother), and what I should do - let it all go and move away, stay and fight for it all, or continue to stay here.

The fight begins, and with the writing of these my thoughts, I ask the universe, the spirits, the angels, the faeries, the animals, and the spirits of ancestors past to assist me in protecting the one place I have ever called home.

My mother has always held this place because of selfish motives, not out of a love for the place, she has destroyed it. I know that I can restore the simple splendor of the place, the magic, the beauty, but only if I can gain the deed for the property. My intentions are not to own it myself, but to put the property into a trust, so it will be preserved for future generations to enjoy. Dad and I have been working on ideas of how we can make the farm prosper and pay for itself and one day the property will be protected. The one place I have ever called home will be given to the one person who loves it, who will protect it, who will make it beautiful again.

For now, I struggle with my thoughts and feelings about what I love, and now the mother that I will forever more have nothing to do with, for she has shown her real self, a person I desire no dealings with, except for one - her signing over the property. So good bye to her and her husband and hello to being able to restore and save the place I call home.

Success with haunted thoughts.

Questions, thoughts, regrets, amazing accomplishments reigned in the past, but now only a lingering desire remain. Growing up wasn’t an easy experience, as I always knew I was extremely different from the other members of my family. Throughout elementary, middle and high school every day was a confirmation of just how different I was, not only from my family, but from just about everyone. It seemed that I lived in a different world, thought differently, acted differently, believed differently, and all the while wondering where did I fit in? During the younger days I just lived life, enjoyed dancing, socializing, and of course way too much romancing. Then things just fell into place, as I wasn’t actively trying to accomplish anything, but there the awards and kudos were. I remember the torturous days of work as we created the sets for the 1987 Bob Hope Flying High Birthday Extravaganza. We worked almost 20 hours a day doing all of the painting, designing, and building. It was all worth it when I met the most incredible man one night when I took a break and went out in San Antonio.

I couldn’t believe this incredible looking man standing in front of me in all white linen, the lines of his ripped muscles elegantly draped, was actually asking me to dance. It was an ego boost for sure, but then he was added to the many others who served just that same purpose. Always desiring to be loved, but never feeling that I could be or even able to return such love only led to being alone. Over the years there were many wonderful men, and as I think about them now I wish I could have done some things differently. Thank you to all of you, the men in my life. Life, it’s that thing that happens while we live.

Living was something I enjoyed, yet because of the feelings of being so different and never feeling that I belonged, the thought of not being here haunted my ever dreaming mind. Now that same haunt is torn by the desire to please the clients who have become such incredible friends. The pull of starting, building, and getting the nursery going has devastated my being to a point that the old haunted thoughts grow ever stronger. It’s ironic in many ways that the one place I ever called home is the one place that now causes so much pain. Growing up here on the farm wasn’t something that brought great joy as I felt I belonged here and my grandmother’s love, support and encouragement fostered a love of gardening, of being myself, and of this place.

The farm has changed, but not for the better. Over the years after my mother forced my grandmother to sign over the land, my mother has allowed her husband to basically trash the farm, filling it with rubbish of old tractors, odds and ends from truck parts, old cars, and together they have treated the land with ill intent. It’s sad for me to be here and see how it has become, especially when I work so hard to improve the few acres where I call home now (not even my own land, but my sister’s, and she nor her family care anything about the land.). My love of this place far exceeds that of any of the others, and I suppose that is why they withhold it from me.

The undesired success of youth is now only a memory while the new desires to build a successful business strain every fiber of my being. Is this what other entrepreneurs go through? The struggle of giving up so much in order to purchase materials, pay the bills and keep the business going. I know from having many other businesses over the years that there are times that making it all work is a struggle, but in the past there always seemed to be some energy behind everything making the success. Now it seems the energy is gone, or is it? I see it when I see my father working with me in the garden or greenhouse, I see it in the continued support of clients, and I see it when everything seems dim a light shines to show the way. Now the struggle is to determine to stay or go, because those haunted thoughts keep raging stronger with each passing day. I know at some point I will welcome the next level of energy (as some of you call death) as I know it is where I belong, back into the universal consciousness with hopes of returning to a world that makes sense. For now, there are the clients who so appreciate my work that I keep going, because it seems that through it all I did find a place to belong, but on my own terms, being who I am – Sebastian or Lynn – maybe that’s why I’m always torn. But alas, I am both men, now with a lingering desire to know love.

Lazy L Nursery's new Blog

Over a year ago, shortly after having to reside in Louisiana, I decided to turn my hobby of growing plants into a small business. With my father and sister as partners, we created Lazy L Nursery, LLC. It all began in a small 10' x 20' hobby greenhouse and is now expanding into the 30' x 96' greenhouse. Our first year was a bit slow, however, we were able to get hundreds of perennials started for future use. Most perennials take upwards to over two years before they will be ready for sale, however, most of ours were producing flowers their first year.

The name came from what my grandmother always said she wanted to call the farm - Lazy L - the L represents my grandmother's last name of Lee, not my name of Lynn.

This is our second Winter and the big greenhouse is still under construction so we are using the new 8' x 12' hobby greenhouse (the other one was destroyed in a tornado.) and just constructed a temporary 10' x 20' structure to house all of the plants we are growing for an Austin client.

If you'd like to learn more about the nursery, what we're growing, and how we grow it then please check out the new Lazy L Nursery Blog.

Broken People

Lonely, exhausted, troubled, scared, and broken they are as they meander haplessly through what others call life, yet they journey alone. Broken from not being able to move past their own mistakes, from being hurt too many times by others, and from not being able to believe or trust in anything or anyone. They are all around. You can barely notice them because they don't want to be noticed any longer, yearning to disappear into the nothingness. They long for something else, but are always believing, "no one will notice me, I'm not needed here."

What has happened in our society that has caused so many broken people? Maybe being modern has caused people to loose touch with the need for human companionship, hasn't taught people how to effectively relate with others, and has caused people to question what is important or right.

It's time for a revolution! I watch and listen and see that the people are tired of a government that doesn't operate in a manner that protects it's people or even cares about them. I see a world that has lost touch with humanity, caring, and love. Is it time for a revolution? Yes! Maybe through a compassionate approach there is hope to obtaining a government that operates for the people, not big business; that some how there can be a reconnection of the people and they can learn the importance of other humans; and with hope people can learn that our modern day things are only tools, not a way to escape being human.

"Play Again"

Playing Solitaire on my computer again, but this time it’s different with a feeling of loneliness, sadness, loss, and thoughts of what could have been invade my mind tonight. “Play Again” the screen displays, one click and then“Exit” or “Try Again” are the options. If only life was this easy.

There are many times I wish I could “Play Again” and then select “Try Again”, but that isn’t the option in life, only a parting wish for a man who longs for something more, always searching, but never finding that place of belonging. Since a child I knew I didn’t belong, perhaps it’s because I was born at the wrong time, a universal accident of sorts, or is it that there were lessons I needed to learn in this life to prepare me for something in another life?

I only hope that the lessons learned in this life will greatly enhance the living in the next life. You may inquire, “What have you learned?” I’d answer simply.

More isn’t always better, money doesn’t make you happy, being a friend means knowing when to forgive and when to just listen, family is something you are born to and they serve a purpose to provide us with a foundation to build upon. Life can be beautiful, it can also be dark. There is something within each of us that longs for some type of connection, that feeling of being part of something more important than ourselves, but there is also a part of us that doesn’t feel that we can ever really achieve such a connection.

Lately, the computer screen is brightly lit during the lonesome dark hours of night as thoughts of what shall be, what is, and what has been pervade my mind. The creativity flows, but only limitedly, mostly because of a fear to dream again, to “Try Again”. However, the dreams are fading along with the brightness in my eyes, the cheer of my heart, and the desire to even try again.

Time is with me now, along with a calling from those who have gone before, as I hear the call to move forward into that universal unknown that many fear, yet I long for it. Perhaps for me it’s the next great adventure? All I know for now is that my time here is drawing to a close, the stage lights are dimming, the curtain call is coming soon. I’m ready.

Names and Numerology

Ever since I can remember I have been dwelling in the unknown, those aspects of life that most don't consider as a reality. However, I believe strongly that the forces that are not seen are very strong in our lives and affect who we are, what we do, and how we progress in life. Thus, I thought I would share some numerology reports as they relate to my various companies and myself, but please keep in mind that these are purely based upon the letters of the words, and not the very effective dates of birth.

StTroy Consulting and Design - My Austin based business.

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Expression: 112 / 4
You are the builder of the world. With your organized, efficient approach everything gets done right the first time. You emanate security and would sacrifice your own desires for your family and anyone or anything else that you considered a responsibility. You have a relentless eye for value and quality and you have the patience and determination to work for it.

Soul Urge: 46 / 10 / 1
You are the essence of individuality and independence. You are intense and convicted when it comes to defending your beliefs, as you never doubt your inner strength and ability to handle any challenge. Many are inspired by your confidence, while others may feel irritated and view it as arrogance. You are likely to attract people and situations that allow you to express this part of yourself or else they will mirror these traits back to you.

Personality: 66 / 12 / 3
There seems to be a golden glow of optimism and joy around you wherever you go. You are witty and playful, and your idealistic nature irresistibly draws the little child out of everyone you meet. Ever creative and interesting to talk to, you are never long without people to cluster around your radiance. You enjoy dressing up and are very creative with accessories. You've got a style all your own, even if you don't follow fashion.

Lazy L Nursery LLC - my Louisiana based business.

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Expression: 70 / 7
Yours is the path of the mind. Silence and solitude are your doorways into the deep recesses of the mind and the universe. You are the philosopher, the analyst, the seeker and if you'd be willing, the teacher. The time and energy that you spend discovering the microscopic core of things has gifted you with the ability to tap into psychic energy. It is with this energy that you can separate the true from the false.

Soul Urge: 23 / 5
Variety is what drives you. For this reason travel, the arts, education and self expression are areas where you are likely to be found. Freedom to choose, to move about without limitation, to absorb information and to observe life are imperative to your inner health and happiness. You crave stimulation and may be drawn to exhilarating adventures and death-defying sports. Your sensual nature will lead the way.

Personality: 47 / 11 / 2
You have a very neat, composed appearance to the outside world. Peaceful and unobtrusive, you are the one people go to for companionship and harmony. You seem to have a quiet, non-judgmental wisdom which attracts those needing advise and an objective point of view. Your ability to see both sides of a situation makes you appear indecisive.

And finally, myself and my two names:

Sebastian St.Troy - my assumed name

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Expression: 54 / 9
You have a vision of a perfect world. Forgiveness, Love and altruism are the path you walk. You are the idealist, and you do everything in your power to live up to your ideals in order to be a good example for others to follow. Inside, you know that you will be imitated, so you are extremely aware of your every "imperfection". Letting go of people and places when you have fulfilled your role with them is an important lesson for you. There are many that need to be touched by your wisdom.

Soul Urge: 29 / 11 / 2
Peace and harmony is your desire. You are a natural mediator as you are genuine, tactful and adaptable. You tend to put your own will aside for others and it is difficult for you to make decisions. This may cause others to see you as shy, or lacking confidence. Your sensitivity and gentleness can be a great healing force bringing harmony and support to others.

Personality: 25 / 7
There is an air of mystery and secrecy about you. You are poised and sophisticated, and prefer to dress in a clean, well-groomed and understated way. You seem unapproachable to others because of your introspective and analytical temperament. You are the philosophical loner, the probing seeker, and only those of like-mind really understand.

Jimmy Lynn Boney - My birth name.

---

Expression: 70 / 7
Yours is the path of the mind. Silence and solitude are your doorways into the deep recesses of the mind and the universe. You are the philosopher, the analyst, the seeker and if you'd be willing, the teacher. The time and energy that you spend discovering the microscopic core of things has gifted you with the ability to tap into psychic energy. It is with this energy that you can separate the true from the false.

Soul Urge: 34 / 7
You are a philosopher by nature. Inside, you are calm shy and reserved, preferring to live alone in your own perfect world of thoughts and intuitive analysis of life's deeper mysteries. You experience irritation and upset in noisy or chaotic environments, as your hearing is more sensitive than most peoples. You have a good ear for music and are probably drawn to complex and meditative melodies.

Personality: 36 / 9
People seem to be drawn to you for absolution. You emanate forgiveness, compassion and understanding. Your charming and generous personality brings you love and good luck in abundance. Many people will be attracted to you because of your idealistic and romantic nature. Others will be transformed by your example. You express yourself in the way you dress, and it can range from dramatically bold to mystically romantic to "struggling artist".

The "I Ching" and Questions

Today I've been feeling some very strong, old emotions that I've been suppressing for a very long time. I've cried, felt very sad, felt blessed, remembered the good times of the past, and am filled with hope for the future. There was a time when I didn't even want a future, but something within me has changed. I now want to achieve success, to build something greater than myself, and to bring my family back together.

After seeing my Holographic Repatterner, Lauren, I now say, "I take the risks to go for what is most important to me." every day as something to help guide me in my decisions, and I suppose to help me determine what things are the most important to me. My family, my friends, my two businesses, and my two homes are very important to me, and in that order. I'm blessed beyond compare with a loving family, awesome friends, and incredible places to live and work. It's not I, but the Divine (or Universal Consciousness) that has blessed me, yes, you might say I'm talented, but that talent was a gift as well.

I'm learning how to use my gifts to guide, teach, and build something for the future. A future I'm now looking forward to, which is a strong contrast to how I felt this time last year.

Tonight I cast the "I Ching" to see what was guiding me in some areas and here is what it said:

The answer to your question, "Will St.Troy Consulting have an income over $3000 per month?" is:

57. Sun - The Gentle (The Penetrating, Wind)

        -----
       -----     above     Sun    The Gentle, Wind
       -- --
       -----
       -----     below     Sun    The Gentle, Wind
       -- --

  The Judgement
       The Gentle. Success through what is small.
       It furthers one to have somewhere to go.
       It furthers one to see the great man.

  The Image
       Winds following one upon the other:
       The image of the Gently Penetrating.
       Thus the superior man
       Spreads his commands abroad
       And carries out his undertakings.

The answer to your question, "What is causing the strong emotions I'm feeling today?" is:

42. I - Increase

-----
----- above Sun The Gentle, Wind
-- --
-- --
-- -- below Chên The Arousing, Thunder
-----

The Judgement
Increase. It furthers one
To undertake something.
It furthers one to cross the great water.

The Image
Wind and thunder: the image of Increase.
Thus the superior man:
If he sees good, he imitates it;
If he has faults, he rids himself of them.

What does all of this mean? It means that I have the opportunity to do much this year and that I'm growing, increasing, learning, and becoming the person I've been meant to become. I like the new me and seek to find ways of achieving even more and am encouraged by the possibilities of the morrow.

Thought for the day: Do you like who you are at this very moment?

The Turtle

Today, while I was doing chores around the farm, I ran across two turtles walking across my path. I amazed at their size and how far they were from the pond. They kept staring at me but didn't hide away in their shells. I knew they must have a message for me, so I had to look it up. I have to admit, that this message hit home today. Here is the message from the turtle:

Turtle is the oldest symbol for the Earth.
It is the personification of goddess energy and the eternal Earth itself.

If you have a Turtle totem,
you must be mindful of returning to the Earth what she has given you.
Honor the creative source within you.
Use water and earth energies to create a harmonious flow in your life.
Ask the Earth for assistance and her riches will pour forth.

If a Turtle totem shows up in your life,
slow down the pace of your life.
Bigger, stronger, faster are not always the best ways to reach your goals.

Turtle is fine teacher of the art of grounding.
When you learn to ground yourself to Earth's power and strength,
you place focus on your thoughts and actions
and use the Earth's limitless energies rather than your own to accomplish your will.

Turtle is the keeper of doors
and one of the ways into the Faerie Realm.

Yes, grounding myself, slowing down, connecting with Earth's power, focusing my thoughts are important to me. Since I've been asking the Universe to open some doors lately, see the post about the Raven where I asked the Raven to carry my dreams out into the universe, then I'm not surprised that the turtles were here to help me open the doors, and I'm excited about the doors into the Faerie Realm, as there is wonderful magic there that frees the mind, lifts the spirits, and brings wonder to thoughts and beliefs.

Advancing Credentials in Australia

As the years have passed, as I have seen how my work has assisted people, and since I'm stepping out into new business ventures and expanding old ones, I've decided to expand my learning. Master Feng, a descendant of the Founding Father of Feng Shui – King Wen, is holding a Feng Shui practitioner training in Sydney, Australia. He is only holding the trainings in Australia this year, so I have to request that the Universe allow me the opportunity to make this trip.

Since I have never been to Australia, but have always wanted to visit, I've decided to set intentions to save funds and work extra hard to make this trip. I have set aside a few weeks for the trip so I can explore some of the beautiful Australian Outback and wonders of Sydney.

The course, with the Out of Country Savings is $2,988.
The round trip airfare is $1,500.
Hotel in Sydney for the training is $700.
Spending money for the rest of the trip is $3,500.
Total: $8,988.

Thus, I'm thanking the Universe for bringing me the clients to fund this additional training and adventure in late October through the end of November. I trust that by setting this intention here that I'll be reminded to set other intentions to support this one. Now, to get to work and save enough money to fund this trip and education.

The Raven's Magic

According to Jamie Sams and David Carson, in their excellent book Medicine Cards (which accompanies a beautiful deck of animal cards), Raven's medicine is magic. She is the Great Mystery of the Void.

Black, to Native Americans, is a color of magical power, and only to be feared if misused. Raven symbolizes the void - the mystery of that which is not yet formed. Ravens are symbolic of the Black Hole in Space, which draws in all energy toward itself and releases it in new forms. The iridescent blue and green that can be seen in the glossy black feathers of the raven represents the constant change of forms and shapes that emerge from the vast blackness of the void. In Native American tradition, Raven is the guardian of both ceremonial magic and healing circles. She is also the patron of smoke signals.

Raven's element is air, and she is a messenger spirit, which Native American shamans use to project their magic over great distances.

Views, not opinions

Believing that living in a space that lifts your spirits, that allows you to find relaxation, and that brings you closer to the natural environment is important, I wanted to share some of the views from the spaces where I reside. The first few photos are from the Cabin in Louisiana and the last view is from the house in Austin.








This is the view from my cabin out North. You can see the Wealth Garden that is being constructed using an old satellite dish. In the future this garden area will have some flowering trees and a lot of natural flowers.









This is the big window view out onto the lake. It also shows the new palm tree. In the future there will be an arbored patio area off of this window which will allow me to sit outside by the lake.














This view is out from my bathroom onto the back yard. My dog's large run is out there, along with the back patio area.















This is the view from the roof top patio at the Austin home. Kendree Custom Homes built the house and Shannon Schmitz, a Turnquist Partners Realtor, arranged for me to get this awesome home.

Growing a Business

Now that the universe has prepared a place for me in Austin, my business is growing, and I have the opportunity to create the life I desire I have to find new and creative ways of growing my business - St.Troy Consulting & Design. I have been providing Feng Shui consults for home owners, businesses, and Realtors (through Listing Consults where we prepare the home for market) for years now. The opportunities are growing now in Austin for my business talents and I have to find ways to fund new aspects.

The biggest aspect I am now asking the universe to bring about is assistance in funding the new Staging Rentals service. In order to be able to reach my target audience in Austin I need to purchase around $30,000 in furniture so it will be on hand to rent to clients for staging homes. I am looking for either one investor or several investors with either the cash or the credit to finance the purchase of the upscale furniture, accessories, artwork, and other items needed for this new service.

I know that my new service will do very well, because I have researched and know my competition. I already have the client base to support the new service and the contacts to further it. Now to have the universe bring about the needs for this service. I'm open to any opportunity that the universe may bring concerning this, so I'll keep my eyes, ears, and heart open to what is out there.

If you know of anyone who might be interested in partnering with me to build this new service for my company, please let me know. The question now is, "How to move forward without fear, trusting that the universe will bring things about, and believing that this is the place I am to be?"

Finding a Balance

Over the last few months I've discovered that there has to be a balance between family, work, and social lives. After being separated from my family for a while it was difficult integrating back into the family structure. Over the years I have changed, grown, and become so different from my family that merging back into my family presents challenges. Now with the new house in Austin, I have to find ways of balancing my time between Austin and Plain Dealing.

I need to be in Austin to earn an income, visit clients, and hang out with my friends. In Plain Dealing I only have my family, which I enjoy being with, but at times believe that I am in the role of parent for all of them because I feel that if I don't provide directions, guidance and instructions then things wouldn't progress or change here. Loving people presents challenges on its own level, but when it's family, it's even harder. Having a strong desire to see them grow and become the responsible people I know they can be, have them realize the importance of actively teaching their children, and hoping that they begin to become more aware of what is going on around them. I will have to trust that the universe will bring them to where they need to be when they need to be there.

I know that the universe is presenting the opportunities for me now in Austin, so I have to do what I need to do for me. That includes spending more time in Austin. Hopefully by spending more time in Austin then I will begin to enjoy my time in Louisiana even more. Then there is the question of the Nursery. It's something I desire, but at the same time realize that in order for it to succeed then I have to work in Austin. It will be up to my family to take responsibility here and take care of things while I'm gone.

I hope during these changes that my family will grow, that they will understand why I need to take care of myself and the one business that is generating income, and how these changes will help us all grow together. I trust that the universe will bring the best together for all of us. Blessings, and ask yourself, "Where am I to be today?"

The Burden of Life.

Lately I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed, out of sorts, unconnected, and troubled. Most of my life the universe has seen fit to bring people to me for guidance, yet most of the time I cannot seem to guide my own self. It seems I can lead others, provide them good advice, and support them so they can find their own paths in this life. Since a child I have felt alone, even when surrounded by people I know who care. I rarely recall a time that I have really wanted to be in this physical realm, however, here I am. "Why am I here? "Why do I feel so alone?" "What am I supposed to be doing?" "How can I help anyone?" These are all questions that I ask frequently, yet there is not direct response.

Having responsibility laid upon my shoulders is something I have fought against most of my life, so perhaps it is something I'm here to resolve, embrace, and accept, if not for this life, then in preparation for what is to come. At every turn in my life, even when I try to run away, the universe brings responsibility back to me. Currently I've realized that I have the responsibility to work in Austin so I can make money to support the new plant nursery, that I'm the one person who can make the plant nursery a success (as without me no one here would know what to do, how to grow the plants, etc.), and that apparently I've been placed here to guide my family.

I see some wonderful aspects of my family, like a sister with a big heart and a strong desire to be something more than she allows herself to be, a father who can laugh and play even while working hard, a mother with enthusiasm for everything, a niece who is loving and capable of so much. Then I see me, not as the world sees me, but I see the failure, the troubled mind, the worried thoughts, and the fear of being the one in charge. How do I find a way to guide my family, assist my clients, and make a plant nursery a success weights heavily upon my mind. "Did I find the correct ways to alter the energies of a home for a client?" "How do I get enough plants growing on my current limited budget?" "Why is it up to me to guide my family?" Such questions of my self are the norm.

As I sit here late into the early morning, as I'm not able to sleep, I listen to the sounds of the forest and lake outside. They calm my senses and mind, and yet there is such a yearning to go outside and be there with them, to become part of them, to be as free as they appear. I haven't been meditating, which is something I have to start doing again, I haven't been developing my spiritual aspects, and I haven't been doing so much more. I can see as I type this that I've become so overwhelmed with what is happening around me that I have neglected myself.

Tonight as I sat earlier just reading a magazine I noticed a small frog hopping on the floor by my feet. I couldn't imagine a frog in the cabin, so I got up and found him, caught him and put him outside where he belonged. However, I did have to see what message he brought to me and here it is (from www.Linsdomain.com):

Frog represents Transformation
The frog is the totem of metamorphosis.
It symbolizes coming into your personal power.
It reminds us not to become bogged down with day-to-day living.
It is the totem of water.
Its voice calls forth the rains.
Emotions are associated with water and
a frog totem may be telling you to get in touch with your feelings.
People with frog medicine give support and energywhere it is needed.
They can cleanse the negativity from an environment.

So I suppose the message from the friendly little frog is that I should connect with my feelings, return to my roots of being able to go with the flow, to not allow the day-to-day activities to weight me down, to realize my own personal power, and to understand that I am here to remove negative energy from the environment of myself, my family, and my clients.

I know I am very gifted in ways others might not understand, connected to the universe in ways that even I don't understand, and that I have helped many people. Can I acknowledge this personal power, accept it, embrace it, and learn to stay centered in the storm of life? Only time will tell.

What's happening?

Lately, I've been laid up in bed with either a pain in my side or diarrhea. It's been raining a lot. During the last few weeks I've had plenty of time to think about things. The things that weight heavy upon my mind are:

What is happening with the United States and when are the citizens going to demand a revolution in our government or are they just going to let it be and allow all of the corruption, taxes, and government bureaucracy?

What can I do to make my mother understand the importance of making sure the family property is left to the family and not to her husband?

How do I establish a business that can survive us all well into future generations that will own and manage the family property, that can find ways of generating income from the property without raping it of its resources, and that can protect the family's interests.

Will I ever finish the cabin, as there is still so much left to do?

Will my sister and her family be able to learn to take better care of themselves and their finances, and their property?

I've been longing to travel again and I'm not sure if I will be able to afford to go any where, as I'm spending most of my disability income on building the cabin and buying stuff for the new nursery. I suppose I can just enjoy watching the Travel Channel and dreaming that I'm there.

I spent most of last night researching various business structures and which would be the best for our family, and then finding examples of Operating Agreements, finding out how to file such businesses with the State, what the fees are for filing, and after about 8 hours have finally put together the type of business structure and am now starting to put together the Operating Agreement, the Business Plan, and beginning to discuss it with the family. I've found an Operating Agreement for a Limited Liability Company that will allow the business to operate well into the future with transfers of ownership. I still have to find ways to write into the Deed some restrictions of use for the property so it's protected and managed and not misused and abused.

The nursery will be owned and operated by the LLC and is coming along nicely. We now have a 2' x 20' Hothouse, a 10' x 20' Greenhouse, and a 30' x 96' Greenhouse (this one was recently bought and dad and I are waiting on the rains to stop to go start disassembling it and moving it to the farm and set it up again.). The small greenhouse is just about full, so I'm trying to find ways of arranging the plants to fit more stuff inside. We have seeds started of all sorts and next month I will order some vegetable seeds so we can start those and have them ready for sale in early Spring. The flowers are started and cuttings being made to make more are rooting. We're going to be making creative planters with a combination of plants, growing some interesting flowers not common in our area, and I'm going to try to make some potted bamboo creations where the bamboo is trained into some funny ways. Dad bought a used tractor and a trailer, so now we have two trucks and two trailers to load up and drive around selling plants. My niece and dad have been helping out in the greenhouse and learning how to do things.

My new dog, called Perro (Spanish for dog), is a mixed breed that showed up at the house and won't leave. He's become a great companion and I have to get him and P3, my cat, to the vet soon for shots and spaying and neutering.

I was able to get a new front door, a fancy glass one with the blinds inside the glass, yesterday at Lowe's, along with some other things to work on the cabin. I have to finish hanging some sheet rock and then clean everything out of the cabin to start taping and floating it. The next item will be to get the shower and the on-demand hot water heater bought and installed. After that will be buying the trim pieces for the windows and doors, installing those, painting everything, and then buying and installing the rest of the flooring. Hopefully by the time it warms up some I'll be finished inside and can begin painting the exterior, putting up the skirting, planting the gardens around the cabin, installing walkways.

There are other things that require attention around my sister's home and the greenhouses, such as finishing the circular driveway, cutting down some diseased trees, tilling up the new vegetable garden, completing the Wealth Garden, clearing around the pond, buring the many stumps, raking the leaves, trimming the trees, fixing the road, and so much more. It's frustrating sometimes because I feel like I'm the only one, other than dad, that is even concerned about getting all of these things taken care of, as I believe my sister and her family just aren't concerned about doing what is needed to take care of things. I hope after they resolve their health issues that they will become more active in taking care of things.

My hopes are that in time things will get better both for our family and the country, but for now I'm preparing for the worst. What's happening, I can only answer some of my many questions, can you help me answer the others?