Finances

Good news has arrived recently and it has helped put my mind at rest concerning a few things. My student loan is now paid in full so they won’t be deducting money from my disability checks anymore. It will be nice to receive the full amount again into my bank account. I was stressed over them deducting it, but glad it is now over and done. Money has always been an aspect of my peace of mind, not that I have a lot of it, but just that I have it tucked safely away and ready for use. So I’m surprised that I didn’t learn to save money as a youth.

I’ll be going to Austin soon I believe, that is if things work out for me to be there. It has been getting hard on me to be in Austin as a traveler, because I am having to bring Roadie with me, not that I mind his company, it’s just been hard. It was easier when I could leave him in Louisiana and then I didn’t worry about him being in the heat, so I hope that it will be cooler this trip. I cannot leave him in Louisiana anymore because I do not trust my sister to take care of him properly. I am hoping to be able to find an apartment or house to rent while I’m in Austin this next trip and start the process for me to be able to move back to Austin in October. There have been other thoughts as well.

Part of me still longs to travel some, but I’m not sure if I could do it now, except maybe some small weekend trips. Gas is getting too expensive and on a limited income and it is getting harder to buy the gas. Health is another issue, but I’m working on resolving it with a new HIV doctor here in Louisiana. I’m not sure what today holds in store, so I cannot worry about what tomorrow will be. I’m learning to just enjoy being each moment. I’ve been riding an exercise bicycle each day and doing pushups to build my strength up. I hope that after moving back to Austin that I can find a gym and start working out there. I’ve thought about it here, but the nearest gym is over 30 miles away.

I’ve never been one to enjoy working out, but I think it’s time I do it for health reasons, not to mention I know how good it will make me look as I’m already seeing better muscle tone in my chest and arms from the pushups. I like the way it looks, so I’m sure I will like my body more if I can keep to a workout schedule.

Thought for now: There are so many in my head that I’m not sure which one to ask. So, if there is anyone reading this, why don’t you tell me your thoughts. It would be nice to hear what others are learning.

This is another view of the children's park along the river. The water playground is just behind me.

This was Roadie at the campsite while he laid next to me at the picnic table. He still loves his little elephant.

This was my view at a campsite in Austin on Lake Travis. It was just Roadie and I until Friday night when the crowds arrived.

Sunset at the Oasis. This was the view that Kelly and I shared while we enjoyed dinner.

My new funny hat. My sister keeps telling everyone that I road the short bus when I wear this out in public. It's a great hat and folds down to prevent sunburn on my shaved head.

My friend Kelly at sunset while we enjoyed dining at the Oasis in Austin, Texas.

This was the coolest water park for kids. It was on the river's edge and was built to remind people of the steam ships that used to be along the rivers. There are smoke stacks and lots of other things to enjoy, including this dancing water.

This little guy kept surprising my niece at the Doll Museum. Yes, it's a large doll.

My niece at the Doll Museum we visited when I took her to see her father.

These flowers were growing along a Texas road while I was traveling.

A Child Shall Lead

Sometimes it seems difficult to even want to wake up in the mornings because the cares of this world appear to be too heavy to bear. However, I’ve been waking up every morning because Roadie needs to go outside. He’s such a great companion. I’ve never felt such love and acceptance. Lately I’ve began to give up on life, on my family and on society in general because it appears that no one cares about anything, so why should I. I know that this isn’t the case, but I’m just expressing what I’ve been feeling. I know that there are people who care, who love and who enjoy life. I came to Louisiana to help my sister and to have a temporary place to live for a bit. I’m now eager to move and allow them to live their lives so I can live mine. I’m not sure what tomorrow holds in store, shucks, I’m not even sure what today holds in store. All I know is that I’m not supposed to give up. I’m to believe in the Higher Power, Fate, the Sage, and mostly in the power of good within people.

It’s hard sometimes to believe in the power of good, but I’m learning to look past what appears to be at present and see that the path we follow is the purpose of life – just to be and to follow our path no matter where it leads. It’s this “just being” that seems to get me. I’ve always dreamed, probably dreams that are bigger than I, or this world, can achieve, but I still dream. The trouble is that the dreaming seems to cause me great stress in that when I live in my dream worlds and then look at my real world I get depressed. I suppose it’s OK to dream, however, I believe that I should keep a firm grounding in the real world and just accept what is. I’m a poor man materially, I’m a rich man intellectually and spiritually, and I’m not alone. Yes, I have to learn that the life I have is the life I’m meant to live in this physical existence.

Last night’s I Ching reading was about giving up on everything, so I suppose it was important for me to read it. It said that I shouldn’t give up because when we do then the Higher Power takes a step back and allows us to live and learn on our own without it’s help. When we believe the Higher Power steps back in to help guide us. I’m constantly reminded that when I believe great things can happen, even when it appears that nothing can. I’ve witnessed this throughout my life. So I suppose the question is why do I stop believing?

Thought for now: Do you believe even when the people and events around you appear to be hopeless? What I see around me with the physical eye is only one part of the picture and I’m learning that I need to see with my spiritual eyes. When I can see with my spiritual eyes then what is fades away into what shall be. Why do I stop believing in the power of good, the power of the Higher Power? I suppose it’s because I look too intently upon the events around me and get mired down in the depths of despair. “And a child shall lead them.” I’ve heard this many times and only now is it starting to make since. It’s through having the innocence of a child, the heart of a child, and the wonder of a child’s eyes that life is enjoyed. Not in wanting, desiring, or demanding, but in just humbly accepting what is and looking at it with grace and wonder.

Letting Go

I haven’t been writing of late, however, I’ve been writing in my mind. It seems I awaken each morning or go to sleep with thoughts racing through my mind and I begin to write about them as they do so I can keep track of them. It’s only every now and then that I actually stop to write them on paper (well, sit at the computer and type them.). There have been many things going through my mind and I guess I needed some time to work through them before I could talk about them.

I’ve been in Louisiana for 5 months now and have done all that I can do for now to assist my sister and her family. It’s time for them to see if they can continue to make the changes required in their thinking so it will change the way they live, and the only way for those lessons to be brought about is with me gone. The other day I was talking with a client in Austin and I compared it to raising a child. You see, I’m sure those of you who are parents will understand this, there is a general rule for rearing children. As a parent you teach them the things they will need to know in life then you have to let them go live life without you. Through this letting go they learn, they recall the things you have taught them, and they learn more in order to grow and be able to follow the their individual paths. It might cause great pain to watch as those you care about falter, but it also causes great joy when they succeed.

As I’ve been studying the I Ching I’ve learned that through letting go people have the opportunity to learn through the experience of living. It will soon be time for me to let go of my family, but only by me not being here physically. I’ll always believe in them and their ability to achieve greatness by following their paths and I’ll support them all that I can when asked. The things I’ve been learning through this experience is that I can be reticent, modest, and humble. I respect these attributes in others and am now learning their importance in my life. I’ve also learned that I have to stay true to myself no matter what the circumstance or who is present, not to mention that I have a path to follow of my own. Thus, I have set my intentions towards relocating back to the Austin area sometime around October. It may not actually be Austin, but I will believe in the power of the Creative to show me where I’m to be then. I know that the doors will be opened and the path shown when it is time.

I know I won’t be able to get an apartment because of Roadie, however, I’ll look into renting a house with a yard for him to play in. I might have to look into having roommates also, but I believe that might be nice these days to have some people around. I wouldn’t mind just me, Roadie and a lover. I’m 44 now and I am realizing that I am capable of a loving relationship. I grew up in a skewed aspect of love and have realized that the kind of relationships that my family has presented wasn’t a good kind of love. Everyone from time past in my family have been married to people who didn’t really love them, or if they did they didn’t show it. Everyone had affairs or tried to control their partners. By realizing this aspect of my learning about love through watching my family, I’ve learned that I don’t desire such a relationship. I desire a loving, committed relationship where each partner is encouraged to be true to themselves and follow their own path, having their own space, and where we can enjoy each other as individuals.

By moving back to Austin I hope I will be back in an area where I will have the opportunity to meet other gay men, to date, and maybe find that long elusive special someone. By moving back to Austin I will have more financial freedom because my expenses will be less than they are here and I won’t be spending the money to travel back and forth. I might even be able to find a part time job and be able to keep working with my clients. The world seems open to me now, so I will believe in the power of the Creative, the Higher Power, the Sage, God, or however you choose to call it to bring things about. For now, I’m just going to continue to learn to be true to myself, wait patiently, and learn as much as I can.

Thought for now: Are you able to let go, to disengage, and to allow others that you love to learn their lessons of life on their own or do you try to prevent them from having hardships? The I Ching teaches that to really learn the lessons we have to live it, even it if means we fail, but failure isn’t bad. We should look at failure as a learning experience and realize that through such an experience we grow to become the people we are meant to be. So let go when the time is right and allow those you love to learn on their own, even if it means they fail, but don’t worry about them, because they will learn and grow. But it’s important not to give up on them by not seeing any changes in them, or cutting them off completely. We should always believe in their ability to allow their Higher Self to rule their lives, and in the Higher Power’s ability to bring things about.

Moving Ahead

As time passes and I am drawn back into the world of responsibility I’m finding that I desire to go back to work. Yes, I know that the consulting company is up and running, however, it’s not always a dependable income, thus the desire to a regular income that produces some type of security. I’ve been thinking about contacting a local temporary employment agency and just doing temporary work and then informing them that I will only be available for three weeks each month. This way, hopefully, I’ll be able to keep the consulting company going and also earn some other income to help pay bills and live some. The main reason for the desire to earn a regular income is so I can afford to start buying the things needed for Harmony Hills Growers.

In order for Harmony Hills Growers to become a reality I’ll have to slowly get things going. I’ll have to build a greenhouse; create some experimental show gardens create some growing beds for the various bulbs, flowers, and other things we’ll be growing; and buy the various supplies needed to start plants from seeds and cuttings. I realize that Harmony Hills is going to be a long-term project, so I have to find ways to bring in some income until such a time that I have everything going here. The other aspect of working is that it will allow me some human contact other than my family, allow my mind to be challenged, and give me something to do while I’m in Louisiana.

Work has already begun on the Fairie Glen as the wonderful Karen from the local nursery has again provided some free plants – Elephant Ears, Caladiums, Chocolate Mint, regular Mint, Orange Mint, Purple Basil, Strawberries, and a whole lot of other things that are now all almost planted. We, my brother-in-law and I, have begun the process of digging out the pathway that will swirl through the space and the area where the future water feature will be located. Karen has been providing us plants that we can grow and easily propagate for future sale. The once barren area of land is now becoming an enchanted garden space. I still need lots of dirt, mulch and a lot of other plants, but it’s starting to come along.

The Vera B. Lee Memorial Rose Garden is blooming out nicely. There are yellow roses, pink roses, red roses, mixed roses with strips and things, climbing roses, miniature roses, regular roses and tree roses. I hope to be able to keep expanding the rose garden until I have a whole area full of each color of rose. The idea is to create a Red Garden, a Yellow Garden, a Purple Garden, a Blue Garden, and a White Garden. Each one of these gardens will have a special rose garden within it. The flowers that I’ve been working with all summer are blooming and growing nicely, even the tomatoes, banana peppers and beets are doing well. My brother-in-law loves to cook and has been creating stuffed banana peppers for us, which taste really good. Maybe one day when Harmony Hills is up and running then he can prepare such things for the dinner guests. I see him being the chef since he’s such a great cook and really enjoys cooking.

Well, I suppose the whole purpose of this writing is to convince myself that I should get out there and find some other sources of income. It seems that even when the universe is bringing us some things, there are still other things that need money to be bought. Although I’m very thankful for the many gifts, even the items being bought are provided at very good rates. It seems that maybe a dream will come true. I’ll just have to stick with it and see it through.

Thought for now: What are you doing to make your dreams come true? As I’ve been reading from the I Ching I’ve been learning that there are times to do nothing and allow the Creative to bring things about, but also that there are times when we are to move ahead. It’s in listening to the Sage to know when to move ahead and when to stop and be still. Last night’s I Ching reading was all about moving ahead, thus I’m going to be spending the day moving ahead. Blessed Be.